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Nala Ray Made Millions on OnlyFans Then Found Christ and Left It All Behind
Nala Ray was one of the top performers on OnlyFans, making $85,000 her first month and millions annually through cosplay content and gaming personas. Raised as a pastor's daughter, she grew up feeling unloved and numb, sneaking out as a teenager desperately seeking attention. After her parents discovered her OnlyFans career and essentially disowned her, she moved to California and dove deeper into the industry. Despite the money and fame, she felt completely empty inside, unable to cry, unable to feel, unable to connect. She believed she'd never marry because of what she'd done. Then she met her now-husband on TikTok, a former Air Force veteran who introduced her to a real relationship with Christ. On Easter Sunday, Nala got married. She speaks candidly about the numbness, the broken relationships with her parents (who are divorcing again), the loneliness of being a pastor's kid, and the moment she finally felt something again after giving her life to God.
Growing Up as a Pastor's Kid
Nala Ray's story begins in a big family of seven in Missouri. When she was nearly 11 years old, her family lost everything in a tornado. Shortly after, her parents divorced. During their separation, both parents had a conversion experience and got saved, remarrying on Christmas Eve. Her father then became a Baptist pastor and evangelist for about 10 years.
Growing up as a pastor's daughter proved to be one of the roughest experiences of her life. The family went through multiple church splits—painful divisions where deacons and members would take sides, gossip, and ultimately tear the congregation apart. Each split felt like another divorce. Nala never felt safe in any atmosphere, including her home.
As a pastor's family, they had to put on a strong face for the church. They couldn't be vulnerable or weak—they were expected to be the face of the church. Nala had to participate in Sunday school, vacation Bible school, puppet classes, choir, and every church program to show support. She ran Sunday schools and was always the first to arrive and last to leave. She describes it as being like a political family, always having to show face.
Loneliness and the Search for Love
Nala was homeschooled for most of her life, which made her mature quickly but also socially isolated. She only had adult friends growing up because the churches were small, maybe 100 people at most. The few kids her age who attended public school talked about things she couldn't relate to—what they were wearing to school, while she shared her sister's clothing.
She describes herself as the middle child, the odd ball of the family. Her parents loved her in their own way, but not in the way she felt love. Nala's primary love language is physical touch—hugs, pats on the back, hand-holding. Her mother was a stern disciplinarian who wasn't a hugger, and her father, being respectful because she was a woman, didn't provide physical affection either.
At 15 and 16, Nala started acting out dramatically. She would sneak out of her bedroom window at 1 or 2 in the morning to meet boys and random people she connected with online through an iPod she'd secretly bought off Craigslist. She wasn't drinking or doing drugs—she just wanted to be around people and experience freedom. The rush of sneaking out was the only form of freedom she felt she had control over. Her parents eventually called the cops on her, which stopped the behavior.
A counselor explained that Nala was acting out because she was looking for love. She felt starved for attention and affection at home because her parents were so focused on the church rather than their children.
Building Independence and Discovering the Body
At 15, Nala got her first job at Hardee's. She loved working and felt independent for the first time. She bought her first car herself without any help from her parents. She desperately wanted to be out of the home, and work provided those hours away. All her siblings felt the same way.
When she graduated at 18, she immediately enrolled at State College of Florida to become a dental hygienist. She loved teeth and had always had great experiences at the dentist. More than that, she was fascinated by the human body—the anatomy, the face, the orthopedics. She went through anatomy and physiology classes and dissected cats in labs, finding it all amazing.
Looking back, she believes her fascination with the human body was about appreciating God's creation, though she didn't think of it that way at the time. She loved the human body and considered it artwork. This appreciation would later morph into something different when she joined OnlyFans—it became more about nudity and promiscuity rather than seeing the body as God created it to be used.
After two years of college, she got a job in surgery scheduling for an orthopedic company. Her medical career seemed to be taking off even without a full degree, and she loved it. But after two and a half years in the same position with no promotions, she felt stuck and disappointed. She knew she was a leader, someone who should be the CEO, and she felt it in her bones.
The Recruiter and the First Month
In early 2020, right before COVID shut everything down, a recruiter reached out to Nala on social media. She had a small personal fitness account with very low following—she was a nobody. The recruiter tried to get her to sign up for OnlyFans under his code. She thought it was sketchy and didn't use his code, but she did start an OnlyFans account on her own.
In her first month, working her butt off, Nala made $85,000. She had wanted to create content on TikTok and Instagram anyway—she was a creative person who wanted to make videos. Her orthopedic job was going nowhere. So when this opportunity presented itself, she dove in.
What set Nala apart and allowed her to make annualized over a million dollars starting day one when the median OnlyFans income is around $300 a month or less? She had a niche. She had red hair, she was a gamer, she loved anime, and she was a cosplayer. She put all that energy into creating the Nala persona.
Her biggest selling point was that she wasn't just one girl—she was multiple girls. Through cosplay, she would change her hair, makeup, wear fake contacts and different outfits so she completely looked like a different person. She created different characters with their own personalities. It was like getting multiple women in one, and she was the first person doing that on OnlyFans at the time.
The first month she only sold lewd pictures and talked to subscribers on the platform. She didn't get into making explicit videos until quite a few months later, even though she was getting many offers to do more for more money.
When Her Parents Found Out
A few months into her OnlyFans career, Nala was out to dinner with her parents when a waiter came up to their table and asked, "Are you Nala?" She said no, absolutely not. But all her mom had to do was Google the stage name Nala—there was no other Nala out there—and it showed everything, including her Twitter.
Her mom didn't know at the exact time of the dinner, but a few days later she did research and found out. This was when Nala decided to move to California. She was already planning to leave Florida because her business was growing and she didn't want to be near her family while doing this. She wanted to keep it all separate. She felt like a big fish in a little pond in Florida and wanted to be a little fish in a big pond to network.
The day before she left for California, her parents came to her apartment for a final talk on the porch. Her mom didn't say a word to her the whole time, wouldn't even look at her. Her dad was trying to come to terms with it verbally, but Nala didn't know what to say. She knew they disapproved, and she just wanted to know if they still loved her, though she didn't ask that directly.
The one thing her mom said before they walked out the door was, "I hope you're happy in your endeavors." Then she left. It broke Nala's heart. Her parents essentially disowned her.
Nala went three years without speaking to her mom. There was absolutely no communication except for one email her mom sent saying that Nala had drifted far from God and that this wasn't His purpose for her life. Nala felt very hurt by that because it didn't feel real—it felt like judgment. Being a rebellious person when it comes to judgment, Nala's reaction was to not care and keep going. At that point in her life, she felt she had nothing else to lose.
The Numbness and Emptiness
Reflecting on that moment of her parents disowning her, Nala admits she's never really dove into that feeling before and has never talked about it. She would stuff it back down, unable to express any emotions. She remembers standing in her shower, letting the hot water go over her, staring at the floor. She wasn't crying, felt nothing, and just told herself to move on.
She believed that emotions could weaken you. She didn't know why she felt that, but she needed to be strong for herself. She had gone through several really hard relationships that made her feel even worse about herself. She had no friends at all, wasn't in contact with her parents, and was working every single day in her little apartment with her dog. She wasn't in the outside world—it was just her, a computer, and an iPhone. Her home didn't even look like a home; it was like a big studio with sets for different cosplay shoots.
Nala describes herself during this time as someone who had a very hard time feeling things. She felt numb. She could get angry, and her temper was probably worse than it should have been, but crying wasn't a big thing for her. She didn't feel very emotional—she felt very numb to things.
She had chosen not to have friends because she was sick of people coming to her to complain about things and never wanting to change. She's the kind of person who will tell you that you messed up and you should probably do something about it, but she won't listen to the same complaints over and over.
The Fantasy Business
In her first month on OnlyFans, Nala was only selling nude pictures and sexualized talk, making $85,000 from the comfort of her own home. One could imagine that making a million dollars a year from just naked pictures would be enough—that she could say this is the compromise, some reputational damage, but she wouldn't go further into making full videos.
At the time, her logic was that these days every woman sends naked pictures anyway. She thought, why not make money from it? But as with all things related to lust and desire, it was never enough. After quite a few months, she started making explicit videos, often with partners she was in relationships with.
In the five years she was on OnlyFans, Nala slept with only three people, and two of those were partners she was in relationships with for over a year. She was never about sleeping around, but her image online needed to be that. Men who thought they had a chance with her would buy her content because they just wanted to speak to her. She was really good at marketing herself in that manner.
She never marketed that she had a boyfriend. In messages, she would say things like "I met this guy at the bar" or "I met this guy at the mall"—it was always her boyfriend, but most of the time he wouldn't show his face so subscribers couldn't tell. She read dating books like "The Game" to understand men's brains and do her work correctly.
At this point, it was no longer just taking pictures and enticing lust—there was now a layer of deceit because she was lying. But she saw herself as selling a fantasy, as a storyteller. She was in a world of fantasy where nobody was even touching her anyway.
The Boyfriend and Gay-Baiting
One of Nala's boyfriends during this time also had his own OnlyFans. Men have OnlyFans too, though they don't do half or even a quarter as well as women because women don't buy—men buy. His content was aimed at gay men, a practice called "gay-baiting."
Nala found this very disturbing to witness. She knew she was not going to marry this man. It was more of a work relationship—they both did the same thing, which was convenient. She had very little respect for him, especially as she made so much more money than he did.
She had this crazy feeling inside that she would probably never get married because of what she did. If she had to accept that, she felt she just needed to accept it. She didn't by any means think any of her partners would be her husband. In her head, it was hard to see a man who would be able to accept a woman making more money and being the complete breadwinner, or who could accept her past.
Many people, including her dad, told her she could be a trophy wife. Her response was disgust—she's a very independent person at heart and never wanted to be controlled. She feels like a bird that wants to fly. So many people she met were trophy wives or sugar babies, but she could never do that. She felt she would overtake any man in a heartbeat.
The Point of All This Money
As time went on and Nala was making millions, she came to a realization: she didn't feel any different. She could buy anything she wanted and still felt the exact same. That feeling was emptiness—complete and total emptiness that she was unaware of. Loneliness, emptiness, not feeling fulfilled.
She thought she was being creative as a content creator, but that was a lie. Spreading your legs isn't creative, it's not even procreative with all the contraception involved. She started feeling this more and more on a day-to-day basis as her OnlyFans career was coming to an end.
Looking back, if someone could have said something to her before she started, would she have changed her mind? Her answer is a million percent yes. She reacts strongly to true love—she feels the genuineness in it. If a friend, a boyfriend, her parents, or one of her siblings could have sat her down and just said "this is not it" and expressed the warning, warned her in any manner, she believes she would have listened.
At the time, she didn't know anyone in the industry. She had no friends at all, was just working every single day in her apartment with her dog. If someone had said "you are worth so much more than this," especially when she was struggling with insecurity and thought that was why she needed the attention, it might have made a difference.
The attention did feel good, and she admits people were absolutely right that she wanted attention. Whatever that attention looked like, she didn't care because she just needed to feel something. She craved being able to feel something, and she knows that's definitely a wrong way to go about it.
Meeting Her Husband on TikTok
Very recently, Nala met her current husband on TikTok. They got married this last Easter Sunday, just days before this interview. Not even her parents know—only about seven people know at this point.
Her husband was the one who introduced her to Christ again. She had a past with Christ as a pastor's kid, but she never truly had a relationship with God—she was just under some religious umbrella, which isn't a relationship at all. He started speaking to her and praying over her when they were just friends, nothing romantic at all.
He lived in Virginia and she lived in California. They didn't touch or meet for months—they only spoke on FaceTime almost every single day, all day long. They got to know each other without any physical touch, which was crazy for her since physical touch is her love language.
She met him while swiping on TikTok one night. He does live battling on the platform. He's prior Air Force, and he was wearing a battle helmet and bulletproof vest in his live room. She was curious why this guy looked like he was about to go into battle. Every time he got a big gift, he'd throw his chair. She loved his character and had to get to know him.
They talked about nothing sexual at all, which was odd for her because of her past. She had been single for almost two years at that point, having taken a huge break from dating. She was done after how her last relationship ended with the gay-baiting situation.
When they knew they wanted to get married, they knew months ago. The saying "when you know, you know" really stands true. She could not be more sure. What better day to get married than Resurrection Day, Easter Sunday?
Finding Christ Again and Feeling Everything
Since giving her life to Christ, Nala doesn't feel numb anymore. She now has very masked emotions that were suppressed—she feels damage was done in her past that made her suppress feelings. She felt she needed to be strong and be on her own, and crying or being vulnerable didn't fit with what she believed strong looked like.
Now, since meeting Christ, she doesn't feel like that anymore. She can cry, she can feel happiness, she can feel sadness. She praises God that she can feel things. She praises God when she's crying and when she's happy because it all belongs to Him anyway—He is the creator.
She's learned to rejoice in her sufferings, understanding that suffering is sanctifying because it joins us to the sufferings of Christ on the cross. She heard recently that when Christ was suffering on the cross, He was able to forgive people who were killing Him, and that was beautiful. He wasn't rejoicing in the suffering but was thankful for it, and He changed the world—He created it.
Nala wants to be like that. She wants to learn how to correct what she believed previously. She's really excited for this new learning portion in her life because she thought she was a scholar. She thought she had it all down—independent, making money, didn't need a man, had a dog, drove a Porsche, everything was great. Her mind and soul have been forever changed from that.
Reflections on Her Parents and Her Past
Nala is not blaming her parents in any manner. She thinks they did the best they could. She's not judging them—she doesn't know anything about running a family and can't imagine how difficult it could have been. However, something in her upbringing directed her in a weird way.
She's really happy and wouldn't take any of it back because it still ended up shaping her into the person she is now, no matter what hurt occurred. It's a beautiful thing. She wouldn't take back her actions leading up to OnlyFans or her actions on OnlyFans, though she is ashamed of it and wants to be very clear about that.
In no way, shape, or form should anyone go through that and think they'll just get saved later or get off after that, or that their reputation doesn't matter. People should absolutely care about who they are and who they're going to be. She doesn't think people being influenced by the industry now understand the direct harm it will do to their mind, body, and soul.
The reason she wouldn't take it back is because she feels her testimony is very strong now. She compares herself to Paul in the Bible, or Saul who turned to Paul. He was persecuting and killing Christians, holding the coats for people stoning the apostles. He got radically changed on the road to Damascus, was blinded, regained his sight, and became a living walking testimony to people just like him. He started writing letters to the churches, bluntly calling them out or praising them.
Nala believes God can absolutely use her. If she had never gotten on OnlyFans, she wouldn't need that testimony to reach people. But if you were a young girl thinking about starting an OnlyFans, being influenced by this generation, would you listen to someone who's never been on the platform and has no direct connection to it saying don't do it? Or would you listen to the person at the top of the hill saying there's a cliff after this, this is fatal?
She's stubborn and a hands-on person who wants to figure things out for herself. She personally would listen to the person at the top of the hill. She was feeling so many insecurities about her looks, about how people perceived her, about being someone online. There was a lot of pressure.
Her Parents Today
Nala's parents are actually getting another divorce right now. When she came back to Christ, she expected it to be like the prodigal son returning home—getting an amazing welcome with the fatted calf. She wanted that, but it did not happen at all. It kind of broke her heart a little bit.
But it's okay. She's thankful for the feeling. She praises God that she can feel again. Her viewpoints have changed so much since her time in the industry. Money was so important to her then, but now she realizes that at a certain point, having more money really doesn't affect your life that much practically. She was making millions and didn't feel any different. She could buy anything she wanted and still felt the exact same—empty, numb, lonely, unfulfilled.
She went through this really crazy time very recently as her OnlyFans career was ending where she was feeling that emptiness more and more on a day-to-day basis. Then she met her husband, who introduced her to Christ, and everything changed.
She's now truly excited about this new chapter, recorrecting what she believed previously, learning to feel again, and living as a testimony to warn young women away from the cliff she nearly fell off.
Video Transcript
I was a pastor's kid it started slow I started only fans I made like $85,000 the first month what was it about you that was able to make a million dollar a Year my biggest thing that I sold was that I'm multiple girls I put all of that energy into creating Nala how much money do you have at this point 9 million my parents kind of disowned me that sounds catastrophic sorry I've never really dove into that feeling never talked about this what's the point of all this money when I don't have feelings is that the moment where you say all right I got to start getting out of this thing I was sobbing I was looking at my fireplace I grabbed the Bible I was like God I need an answer now I truly need an answer now and he gave me an answer what did he [Music] say one of the underappreciated aspects of Temptation is that it's very tempting money sex Fame my guest today is someone who has had all of those things in Spades then came to regret it and totally cut it all off and that would be one of the top only performers a former only performer Nala Ray Nala thank you for coming to the show thank you Michael so I'm not just saying this to seem like goody goody I actually am unfamiliar with your work oh that's okay your former work good now you're on a totally different but you but this has all happened very very quickly yeah you Rose to fame as one of the top performers on the top one of the top sites in the world and you made a ton of money and you got extremely famous then you quit it all we'll get into that and now you're living a totally different life yes sir take me back to the beginning so the beginning started about five years ago if we're talking about going back to the beginning of when I started I want to go back to the beginning beginning oo like little Nala so um as far back as I can remember I have been in a big family I was raised with four other children and they're all my parents um but we were a family of seven um we weren't always like a religious family it was probably when I was 10 years old that we like well I had lost my house in a tornado and then um my parents went through a divorce and we weren't serving the lord then but it was crazy how God brought us back together and then my parents remarried um within a span of a couple of years so there was a lot of stuff that had happened in my life that was just absolutely crazy for a kid to go through how old were you when your parents divorced um almost 11 years old cuz we had just lost our house like completely lost everything in the tornado um I was living in Missouri at the time and then my parents divorced because it was like it was it was a lot to go through honestly as a big family and like losing everything that you worked for was just gone I absolutely destroyed so and then having to Pride for kids so I can understand like the emotional strain that my dad probably carried to provide for his family and then that was just all gone so my parents divorced and then they actually got saved during the process that they were divorced you know they really had this come to Christ moment and um so I was almost 11 and then they got remarried on Christmas Eve so that was just like it was really cool so to see your family like reunited again and from there my family really started diving into being led by my parents like religion um which was like Baptist We Are Baptist Christians and so interestingly enough I don't know how this even came up a part of my Dad's life but he began preaching so again I can't even go back that far in my brain to when that actually started for my dad but he had been a a pastor and evangelist for I'd say like 10 years so after all that happened so he became a a evangelist Pastor after they got remarried or so not before no Zeal of a convert yes that that was pretty much it so um became a pastor um was pastoring a couple churches and the the sorrowful part of that was that like some of the churches had Church splits so we went through some church splits through that like religion of being a Baptist and it wasn't really the religion I think but it was just like the people in the church couldn't get along and that's I don't feel like that's really Christ you know that's not Christ's heart is for us to divide but to build and have Unity together forgive my ignorance on a church split I am a mackerel snapping papist a Catholic and so we've had I guess we've had some splits they're like historic sisms you know between the East and the west and so but we don't have I think what you're describing which is you you mean like in so it's a relatively small congregation and then they one day they just decide we're done no more like the church actually splits in half no I'm just kidding yeah yeah lightning strikes it yes so people like deacons or um the pastor and there's other roles in the church um they disagree continuously for whatever amount of time and it gets worse and worse and people tell their sides to have this the church and other people take other sides and and after that the church really just cannot function together because there's almost drama involved or it's just other people's opinions and people do not want to be in the church CU it's UNC comfortable now you know because everyone knows the situation nothing's really being spoken about behind except for like behind backs and that's just right so then a mess so it's like a divorce it truly is just like a divorce and the kids are the denomination you know like the sheep and the church so we went through a couple of those and it was crazy because some of the people in the church just didn't like what my my dad had to say he's a very blunt Pastor he's very just like we'll tell you what it is and preaches from the word of God and some people didn't agree with it and you know I I was really young too so I don't understand all of it at the time like I was probably like 11 12 13 years old and while so much had happened and so it's just it's like going through divorce after divorce after divorce and it's really hard because you know you kind of you not even kind of you get to know people in that church and you might not fall in love with them but they became a big part of your life and then now you see them for something very different because they don't like your dad yeah and then you feel this restrained from wanting to be around them speak to them or you know even consider their viewpoint on it because that's your father so uh we went through a couple of church splits and moved around and you know at the time I never I was never even considering oh it's it's my dad and I I'm not blaming him in any manner but now that I have Christ in my heart as an adult and not a child I'm looking at things differently and just trying to test the spirit because that's what the Bible asks us to do you know when you're unsure about something test the spirit look at the fruit of the spirit and I've been actually going over that in my head and it's not that I can remember one specific sermon of his or anything but I'm looking at him as a person and his character and you know what we did as a pastor's family and being a pastor's family I have to tell you is one of the roughest jobs it you don't get paid for it either but like you know it's a rough place to be in in your life if your family isn't like in unity and our family just wasn't in unity in any manner this is another area where my uh popery will give me some ignorance which is you know priests don't get married in the Catholic church I know that so that's my ignorance they're celibate and they don't get married so uh there's whole long historical conversation about that but as a result I'm totally unfamiliar with this idea of of a pastor having a family I imagine that would be extremely stressful and very difficult both for him and for the family even what you're what you're describing the the traditional uh understanding of the family of a marriage is as a a symbol of Christ's love for his church absolutely and so everything you you you're describing is just as you say a divorce after a divorce after a divorce one of the four marks of the church there's just no Unity anywhere there's is the unity yeah that's supposed to be one of the how can you feel safe in any atmosphere including your home atmosphere so you just I just I truly never felt safe you know because when we go to church there's like some face we have to put on you can't be like you need to be the strong people for the church you cannot be the weak ones you're the face of the church absolutely and that's I have a really big issue with that now like looking back like being vulnerable with people is how people trust you as well you can't always put on this strong face and expect people to trust you because I don't trust people like that in my day-to-day like if you're always the same consistently and I'm like hm what's going on why why aren't you opening up to me why aren't you being vulnerable with me because that's a good relationship right a priest friend of mine once wrote that uh the problem with the modern idea of the feel-good religion the real weakness of feel-good religion is feeling bad wow because uh people feel bad sometimes your whole religion is about just you know strong face happy go lucky well then you're you're going to begin to have doubts that's a really good point honestly um but there was really not much of that and if I did feel that way it was at home and secret and private you know and again I did not have a good relationship with my parents and I'm not blaming them in any manner I didn't know how to have a relationship with my parents because I was a pastor's kid like I don't think people understand the roles of a pastor's family and I'm here to share it truly um as a pastor's daughter you're kind of expected to just like be the front right so anytime someone's walking in the door when church starts you're at the front you're the first ones to get there and the last to leave I ran Sunday schools I was I had to be included in any that the church wanted to like there was there was people in the church who felt led to open up like a puppet class I had to be a part of it because I had to show support um the choir I had to be a part of that because I had to show support Sunday school Bible school vacation bible school any pro program that there was the family of the church is expected to represent it's like a political family like you know a Congress that is such a great way to look at it honestly and it's so difficult because it's just like show face showface show face show face and that's about it like you you don't truly get to be like your own person you're just your your family you know what I mean you're a part of your family you need to listen to your parents and I'm really young at this point point so it's just like I have no choice and growing up in church is like I didn't have very many kid friends at all unless they were children children because I was watching them in Sunday school so their parents could be in service so which I love personally sometimes because I got to eat snacks with them and that was the best part but like and I love children so that was it was it was fun for sure it wasn't all gloom and doom nothing but now as I'm an adult I look back at this and I'm reflecting for the longest time I pushed it away and pushed it away out of my head because it was very painful to go back through that and just like think about so many times where I struggled and there just wasn't anybody there but the point I was trying to make was growing up I only truly had like adult friends like I grew up at 13 years old were there not young people in the church Community there were um we had very small churches though it's not like mega churches by any means like maybe a 100 people in the church maybe less like it it was never big big um which 100 people's a lot but when you're catering so much to things like I just I really grew up at a younger age and the I do remember this two these two girls that went to my last church that my dad pastored and they went to public school and I was homeschooled like almost my entire life I just could not relate to them yeah they were worried about like what they were wearing to school and what they were getting and I'm like I just share my BR my sister's clothing so I don't know like what you're talking about and I could never I just never felt like I fit in with them it was it was that kind of a relationship so well I've noticed friends of mine who were homeschooled many of them were they they are much more mature usually probably because they're spending more time around adults yeah a little bit socially awkward though sometimes that they have a little rap homes school kids like that where me and my siblings would be like man they're weird like are we like that so because they don't get out very much but thankfully like we were in church so we were just always being social with people regardless if it was just mainly adults but yeah so I do realize that homeschool kids can be more mature but also I think that's because of their studies are being very honed in on you know like in public school the teacher can't speak to one student they're teaching a whole class instead of really paying attention to that one child in homeschooling I was the only one in my grade and my mom was my teacher so like I was very honed in on as a child makes prom very awkward but you know that's oh my gosh I didn't I would have loved to go to prom for sure I wanted all of that I didn't even have like a graduation ceremony I was just like oh you're graduated now that's great I'm like okay so I feel like I I did miss out on a lot but I would not take it I'm very thankful my parents chose that direction um I don't only feel kind of book smart but I do feel very Street Smart in that manner too so I'm usually the opposite you'd hear a homeschooler say book smart look I'm really book smart but I don't have any Street smarts and the public I was a public school kid and you know got a little bit of book learning because it was a good public school but you you get much more uh Street smarts from public school than you do book smarts but you're saying it's the opposite well for me my dad is very very street smart and my mom is very very book smart so I got both of their teachings and I'm a very Hands-On person instead of more of a bookworm yeah so I do enjoy reading depending on the book but um I am very handson to learn so I feel like that's where my critical thinking came in like while I was growing up I started working at a very young age like just turned 15 got a job what was job uh I worked at Hardies Hardies oh yeah yeah I'm friends with the former head of hardies that's awesome maybe you guys work together different levels I worked in uh it was when I worked in uh I was in Illinois so yeah but um I love it I love working so much when I got my first job I felt so independent I bought my first car by myself my parents didn't help with that I just I wanted to be out of the home so bad and that job provided those hours away now did did your siblings want to get out of the home too they did yes AB so at this point because I'm trying to track how how things start to go in another Direction You and and your family you're basically all on the same page doing the same kind of thing Yep this is age 15ish 16 around okay so you want to get out you want to be independent then what okay so I was about 15 16 um I had worked at Hardies for like two years got another job um in fast food that didn't last very long because I knew I didn't want to be in fast food anymore um I got a job as a waitress for a breakfast and lunch place um and I loved that job that really helped that was when I started going to college around 18 so right when I graduated I got right into college and I went this this a local college or you State College of Florida so I went there um for two years I was studying to become a dental hygienist because I was like hey I like teeth this is cool like let's do it every time I went to the dentist I had a great opport like experience and I was like I could do this what you who has the every time I go to the dentist they make my mouth bleed cuz I go once every 5 years and then they yell at me for not flossing properly a good you I wanted to be that person y others a lot of control yeah but I'm very interested in the anatomy of human body and like the face and everything so I loved my classes um unfortunately I didn't stay in but it was um not short after I had gotten a job in surgery scheduling for an orthopedic company so I felt like my medical career was kind of taking off actually without a full degree so I was like oh and I really loved Orthopedics again I just love the human body so it just kind of fell into that category so why do you think you love the human body I'm fascinated I'm fascinated do you have any sense of where that might have come from or our creator I think but at the time I didn't that absolutely being a creation of his um but at the time I didn't think about it like that I was just fascinated by the human body and when I went through my anatomy and physiology classes I was like whoa like this is crazy and then I went through Labs dissecting cats and I thought that was amazing and so it's so interesting to hear you say that because a lot of modern religion they tell you body doesn't matter at all it's all you know it's just kind of mamby pamy stuff in your head but the ancient Christian writer trellian famously said the flesh is the hinge of Salvation you know the faith is a sacramental faith so you receive the Holy Eucharist or any of the sacraments and the idea is it's a meeting of the physical with the metaphysical and that's lost on so many people in Modern Life but you're saying that actually wittingly or unwittingly was was drawing you to the body mhm I love the human body I think it's artwork I really do like I I um when I started this journey on only I was very Pro like nudity like because I I love the human body I think we're beautiful truly I have a different form of that love now for what I it's more I love what God created instead of just nudity you know so and that was what's the what what do you see as the distinction perversion that's pretty much the the distinction I I feel now is like promiscuity versus you know like acceptance of something beautiful and seeing it for what God created it to be and how God wants it to be used instead of being perverted in it right in in almost a kind of idolatry like you think you know we could all name aspects of the human body that we are PR to but but if you you know so if you consider that say in the context of marriage as it ought to be and you say okay really you know this part's kind of nice and this but if you consider that as part of the integrated whole of the person that is then also a compositive Body and Soul then that's all great you know it's like a song of songs and we it's really good we're not trying to suppress that desire no but if you if you make an idol you know you you uh have a thing for this body part or that body part then you it really becomes in the in the true sense of the word a fetish it does like a fetish is a term that refers to Pagan idolatry yes right like a you could have a fetish for some weird like you know Idol statue kind of of course just like you can have a foot fetish right absolutely or or any you know really any physical aspect absolutely which seems to be so um prominent today yes we we live in very evil and adulterous generation so a perversion is a very big part of that I think there's so much more to say first though go to preborn c/n I am here today because exactly 34 years ago almost to the minute my mother chose life you are here today because your mother chose Life The Miracle of Life is a gift that everyone deserves because every every life is precious that is why this show has partnered with pre-born network of clinics these ultrasounds are more than just a medical procedure they're a gateway to a mother's heart the moment she hears her baby's heartbeat the odds of of her choosing life double one ultrasound costs only 28 bucks but any amount will help all gifts are tax deductible and 100% of your donation will save babies to donate securely dial pound 250 say the keyword baby that is pound 250 say the keyword baby or go to preborn docomo kwes I Really support this organization please donate as generously as you can pre.net taken by the body and then led into this per perversion yes it started slow kind of but in that me being lost um so I was in that job of Orthopedics for two and a half years going on three um it was when I got the opportunity to start only and it was right before right after covid had just gotten out like it was still like a mystery kind of but we were hearing it online I was hearing about Tik Tok and people were kind of making fun of it but it hadn't like shut everything down yet so um this was super early 2020 like January um I had gotten reached out to by someone on social media and I was not big on social media at any manner you just had a personal just a personal fitness like super I was a nobody pretty much like very low following um didn't have a Twitter didn't have like a Snapchat didn't have a Facebook but it was Fitness so there's also that time you know you you're into the Orthopedics you're into fitness you're am I really love Fitness I've been working out since I was like 18 before my brother went off to the Air Force I like I started working out with him in the gym and it was just awesome and then I carried all that over after he left for the Air Force I worked out once once didn't take you didn't like it not not for me no I um I enjoy pushing yourself I enjoy pain in that manner because I have a hard time before before I met Christ I have a hard time feeling things I really do and what do you mean by that I feel numb I felt numb it it's really difficult to it was difficult for me to feel things like sadness like I I felt like I never cried I never I I could get angry and my temper was probably a little worse than it should have been but crying was like not a big thing for me I didn't feel very emotional I felt very numb to things and I didn't have a lot of friends either so like and I chose yeah so I truly chose that because I I was sick of having people in my life that would just come to me and complain about things and never want to change I'm like I'm the kind of person that will tell you hey you effed up you you should probably do something about that I'm here but like don't come to me and just cry and then cry about the same thing again and come back and do the same thing I'm not going to listen after a sword like certain period are you a man you sort of sound like a man see this is like this is a thing I've actually gotten asked before but not like indirectly like are you a man I'm definitely a female I'm a woman from birth and I love that but I have um very masked like emotions and I don't know if that's because of like how I was raised that's what I'm trying to get a lot that I've gone through when you say you have masked emotions is it that you have them but you don't express them or you're saying you don't even really have them you are just actually kind of numb you know I do feel as though they're they were masked because now since I gave my life to Christ I don't feel like that anymore so I feel like damage was done in my past that just kind of suppressed and I felt as though I needed to be strong and I was on my own so I could be on my own and crying or I could be on my own and independent and like fearless and strong what I believed strong looked like and I didn't have a lot of people in my life um including my parents and my siblings and I you know siblings are a funny thing because like you like want to kill each other when you're younger and then when you grow up you kind of go through this phas sometimes where you don't speak and then when you're an adult you're like there's no reason not to speak you know like we want to speak and we want to be cordial we want to see each other it's amazing it's an actual like phenomenon to me when you see your siblings grow up next to you you take a little bit of a break and then the next time you revisit them in my case they're full- grown adults right they're living lives they have children they've been married and they're completely different people so that's more than a little bit of a break it was like a couple years like three four years so but but when you were growing up were your siblings like you in the sense that they didn't no so you were you were different a little different but I'm also the middle child so I feel like the middle child is just odd just an odd ball so um whether that be due to like no love or whatever that is it's not that my parents didn't love me they loved me in their own way but it was like I do you know about like the Love Languages uh a little bit I I always thought of myself as a kazanova but I don't know the specific that definition well you know I'm of Italian descent are you I that's why we get along but but I when you say love languages you referring to a technical kind of thing yes so there's uh there's like equivalently like five love languages like physical touch acts of service gifts words of affection and there's one more um quality time for mine it's food for me food that's somewhere in there I love food too I love to cook too love to cook um but you know there's like this love language test that you can take and it just kind of tells you what your physical love language is you know um mine is physical touch I feel the most loved when I'm physically touched whether it be holding hands a pat on the back a hug that is how I mainly accept and feel very loved you know like you have a love tank you know mine gets filled up by physical touch so and it's not like sexual it's it's completely just really nice physical touch you know again it can just be like a pat on the back or you know a touch but um for everyone it's different and so what I mean by that is like my parents didn't I don't feel as though they loved me in the way that I feel loved didn't give you a hug my par my mom was a very like more Stern disciplinarian she's so sweet but it's not like she's not like a hugger or anything like at all like doesn't touch kind of thing and then my dad being like respectful because I'm a woman you know doesn't do that at all like will not touch like that so and I was like okay I get it but like I just need love you know so you know the craziest thing is I went through counseling at um in my teenage years cuz I was acting out like crazy like crazy and couldn't explain it to myself my parents didn't know what was going on with me and I went to a counselor and she specifically said the reason I was acting out was because I was looking for love and how when you say acting out what do you mean so I was like sneaking out of my house when I was 15 16 years old um like sneaking out the window at like 1 or two in the morning when the whole house had went to sleep um meeting boys meeting random people I wasn't drinking doing drugs partying I just wanted to be around people and have freedom I had such a Rush from sneaking out of my house cuz it was like the only form of Freedom that I felt like I had control over and it was it was just it was such a dark time in my life and my parents ended up calling the cops on me and that was like the last time I did it how did you even find these people if you're in this real online like just random I had an iPod um that I I had a phone but it didn't have internet because my parents were like very strict about that but I had secretly bought an iPod off of line like Craigslist or something and connected it to my Wi-Fi and was just like meeting people like that and that was the most dangerous thing obviously yeah but I didn't care you're meeting them on Facebook or something or Facebook or like some kind of apps like a dating app or something like that I can't remember specifically right now but one was off Facebook for sure um I just I did not care I was just like or if I met them in person I'd get their details like secretly and then like we talk like that but um I just really wanted attention and I knew it was like physically so I have been like I feel as though I'm a very like sexual like hyperactive person I you know that's what I told myself for the longest time because that's what I was craving but I think truly it was like physical touch but in like a loving way and not a sexual way right right so but that's what the counselor was like trying to explain to me was that she feels as though I'm acting out in these these ways like these dramatic ways to one get attention and two like just feel love that love that I'm not feeling at home because my parents are focused on the church and not their kids so like you can be a Shepherd of the sheep in the church but if you're not being a Shepherd in your own home right they're turning into wolves over here starving charity is the most important virtue but charity begins at love yeah yeah absolutely so I I don't know anything about running a family so I can't imagine how difficult it could have been for sure I'm not judging my parents in any manner I think they did the best they could truly I'm not blaming them or anyone for my actions at all it was completely my choice we all have free will don't we we we do though our will is conditioned by our circumstances and I agree with that completely when I watched your last podcast on that I was like wow speak truth I know it's not a very it's it's not a very politically correct view now because it's not a very liberal view but uh no obviously you know this is why education is so important that's why we call it liberal education is it not in not in like the political sense but in the in the sense that the way that we learn to use our freedom to make sense of our freedom is through education and cultivating intellectual virtues but also moral virtues their habits and if something goes wrong in that instruction you're liable to uh you're liable to go wrong you won't be able to exercise your free will absolutely and if you're not educated well on the topic or which who is at any age you're not educated on everything but you back up on things that you were kind of influenced by you know like if you don't actively have a knowledge about it you kind of kick in with well this is what I know you know this is what I've experienced that's how I kind of feel about it and again it's not blaming my parents in any manner I'm very thankful for my parents but something it really directed me you know in a weird way for sure I I really do believe that um I'm really happy that that you know I wouldn't take any of it back because it still ended up shaping me into the person I am now no matter what like hurt it's it's a beautiful thing you wouldn't take what back your actions or the way you were raised both actually the um my actions leading up to only my actions on only of course I'm ashamed of it and I do want to be very clear about that in no way shape or form should anyone go through that and be like Oh I'll just get saved later or it I'll just get off after that or who cares about what my reputation is later you should absolutely care about who you are who you're going to be and I don't think people now being influenced by it understand the direct harm it will do to your mind your body and your soul so it it sounds like you're saying you do regret it you just course the actions absolutely would I take it back no and this is the reasoning because I feel like my testimony is very strong now you know in Paul in the Bible or Saul who turned to Paul in the Bible was absolutely persecuting and killing Christians you know and holding the coat for people stoning the apostles right so he got radically changed on the road to Damascus completely changed you know was blinded even and regained his sight but then radically got saved by God himself and changed and became a living walking testimony yeah to people who were just like him or so many others you know he started writing letters to the churches you know bluntly calling them out or praising them for what they're doing in the Community of Christ and I thought that was so bold but why I say I wouldn't take it back is because God could absolutely use me if I never would have gotten on only I don't need to have that testimony to be able to reach people but if you were a young girl thinking about starting an only being influenced by this current generation to start an only would you listen to the person that's never been on only or never had any direct connection to it saying don't do it don't do it or would you listen to the person at the top of the hill who's saying this there's a cliff after this right you might listen you might listen to both you could absolutely depending on so many different things but I'm stubborn so and I kind I'm one of those Hands-On people that kind of want to figure it out for myself I personally would listen to the person at the top of the hill being like do not come up here yeah please you this is fatal you know other than someone who really doesn't have a whole bunch of knowledge on it and hasn't even might not even be experiencing the feelings and whatever that person's going through you know a lot of insecurities I say insecurities because that's exactly how I was feeling in my life when I decided to join on about my looks about how people perceived me um being someone online like there was a lot of pressure so you weren't when you say you have insecurities about your looks or had them then it's not that you joined because you thought I'm hot and I can make a buck you're saying I I think I'm ugly or something I needed to noticed yeah and a lot of people want to point that out about me like oh you just want attention even now I just want attention um I want God to have the attention full and foremost about anything that I say now it's about him and not me anymore and I love that I'm so happy to have him take center stage and me be in the back with a clipboard you know CIO dooli to quote simp so um but then I was in such um a horrible place in my mental again not feeling much wasn't crying I went through uh quite a few really hard relationships that made me feel even worse about myself and I I understand that that it was my choice this is before before on yes yes um so I went through quite a few relationships I didn't have good friends at all I wasn't in contact with my parents like that um so you already had falling out with your parents at this point before it wasn't as dramatic as the one when I started only but I was not like I was speaking to my dad but we weren't like good good and my mom and I just like barely ever spoke so uh her and I have never really had a good relationship although I do hope that changes um we still don't have a good relationship and I I'm not quite sure why um but you know I in my mind I I expected this change to be like the prodal son returning you know in my mind I was like I hope that's something like what it's like to return home whole and not not whole he didn't come back whole he came back broken you know but and then he comes back to his home you know where he belongs and got an amazing welcome I'm not delicious fatted calf yeah yes yes and I wanted that but it did not happen at all and it it kind of broke my heart a little bit but either of your parents it didn't happen in fact they're actually getting another divorce right now so um oh man that's brutal yeah but it's okay you know it's okay yeah and uh God's uh overarching Providence all things will be turned to good doesn't make it any more pleasant at the time but this is human feeling you know and we're we all experience things and honestly I'm thankful for the feeling you know I'm thankful to be able to feel again I I actually praise God that I can feel things I praise God when I'm crying I praise God when I'm happy because it all belongs to him anyway he is our creator I rejoice in my sufferings it's very a very traditional absolutely it's also downplayed in modern religion which is that suffering is sanctifying because it it joins us to the sufferings of Christ on the cross it does exactly I just heard that yesterday too I could not be more just shaken by that I was like wow when Christ was suffering on the cross like he was able to forgive people who were killing him and that was so beautiful like he like he wasn't rejoicing in the suffering but thankful for it and I was like wow you know and he changed the world completely changed the world so created it yes so I want to be like that and I want to learn how to recorrect what I believed previously um I'm just really excited for this new learning portion in my life because I thought I was a scholar truly I really did I thought I had it all down I'm like I'm independent I'm making money I don't need a man I am good to go like my future my career everything is great like I got a dog I'm fine so classic modern like Millennial zomer just like I got everything I got money and a computer and a dog what else do I facts I drive a Porsche like this is great so man my mind could not be more changed oh my gosh my soul is forever changed from that um so so you you never had a good relationship with your parents and they keep getting divorced and it's deeply painful and it's very frustrating and now you you know you've kind of gone down this path and and some guy reaches out to you whoever that is and says hey you should join only and you'll make a lot of money and get famous yep and and then that happened it actually happened which doesn't happen for anyone but it did happen for you it was crazy because I the guy was like a recruiter I don't know if he worked with only I didn't like stay in contact with him along but he was trying to get me to sign up under this code so he tried to get me to sign up I thought it was sketchy so I didn't use his code I was like I'm not going to do that I don't even know who you are and then I started only I was doing it all by myself and I made like $85,000 the first month I had worked my butt off for a month and I knew I knew that I wanted to create content on Tik Tok on Instagram I just like content or just just content like I'm a creative person and I wanted to make videos for Tik Tok I wanted to quit my job because my job at the time in Orthopedics was going nowhere I was not getting promoted I was just kind of in the same spot that I was like two and a half years ago I was so disappointed in that because I know I'm like a leader I know I'm like supposed to to be the CEO I just know like I feel it in my bones when when I started uh broadcasting on the internet I think I made $85 in my first month maybe my first year $85,000 so how I not this is not I mean no way am I uh you're lovely gal I'm sure you were very good at it yeah but how is it that what the median uh income on is like 300 bucks or something a month something I think maybe even lower than that what was it about you that was able to make you know annualized a million dollars a year the Bigg starting out day one so um the biggest thing I think that changed my own career was that I had a niche in the system one I have red hair two I'm a gamer uh three I love anime and I'm a cosplayer so I put all of that energy into creating Nala you're a weeb I'm a weeb is that what a so I learned that term because you're the second weeb that's been on this show the first one was Arch duuk Edward hapsburg the Hungarian ambassador to the holy Sea and the second one is Nala re so you're into all this weird nerdy stuff weird stuff and that's what made you a million dollars a year starting day one yeah I just think that no one was doing stuff like that on only at the time and I was just like huh let's try it you know and I started in and I started in mainly on my cosplaying because my biggest thing that I sold was that I'm not just one girl I'm multiple girls cuz when cosplay Chang hair makeup I wore fake contacts and outfits so I completely looked like a different person and so had characters kind of to each character kind of thing like their own personality almost okay so I was like M multiple women in one two for the price of one there you go yeah so that was like my selling point was just kind of that and I was the first month I was only selling like lwd pictures and that was about and talking to them on only um I didn't get into until like quite a few months later I I was like really trying to think about it first before because I was getting so many offers to start or doing more and more for more money so you were making 85 Grand a month without it was just naked pictures basically that's it that's literally it so wow and sexualizing talk with them but that's about it like from the comfort of my own home but but that's never so I don't know if it knowing a little bit about human nature I know that that would never be enough for anybody because that's not how like uh lust and desire work yeah but but one could imagine you say okay I'm now going to make a million dollars a year and I've compromised my dignity and I've given myself some reputational damage but it's only nude pictures These Days Every Woman sends naked pictures that was from the time definely my logic at the time and and so why wouldn't you then say a million's enough no more I'm going to I'm only going to keep doing this I'm not going to go further and and make you know full videos what's crazy is there was like a time in that period before I started um that my parents had found out and how did they find out so it was uh it was a crazy circumstance I was out to dinner with my parents um just me and them and a waiter came up to our table and was like are you Nala and I was like no like absolutely not and all my mom had to do was Google the name Nala there's no other Nala out there nothing and it showed everything like my Twitter so Nala is your stage name okay I wasn't sure okay so she she had never heard the name n but this guy also what a creep was so angry can you not see that I'm with my parents but even then even even if you were alone or with friends or something yeah if you're a dude and you see a AC wouldn't you just keep it to yourself cuz basically you're going up and AD Mee like hey I'm a pert yeah I'm a freak man you'd be surprised I have had so many people over the years come up to me out of the blue and just be like are you Nala can I take a photo with you I'm like you know what sure like wow it's part of the business unfortunately but there are a lot of people who have come up to me a lot and so it's just like okay like what am I going to say no yeah yeah like at the time I'm like I just need to be kind to everybody you know they are my supporters you know they're giving me money so what am I going to say and be mean absolutely not I'm not a mean person anyway so but yeah that's how they found out my mom like didn't know at the direct time of the dinner that that was who I was but then like the next couple days she found out did research and that was when I decided to move to California at that time so I was already going to be leaving Florida but um it was so hard why were you going to move to California what was that you said you were gonna move to California I was in Florida at the time why did you want because my business had started growing and I didn't want to be near my family while I was doing this I wanted to keep it all separate and I felt like a big fish in a little pond in Florida I did and I wanted to be a little fish in a big pond yeah so just a network and see where it went but again I told you like I'm a leader like I whatever I try to put my time and energy into I do it 100% And I will go hard so what happened was like my parents kind of disowned me and like I stopped talking to all my siblings and it broke me not not to bring up a bad memory but you sort of seemed to gloss over that a bit you say and so my parents disown me and this but that sounds uh like catastrophic I mean it was um we had this like final talk before I the day before I left for California and we were just out on my porch in my apartment and my mom didn't say a word to me the whole time when I was like they knew I was moving the next day but didn't say in anything to me wouldn't even look at me and my dad was just kind of like trying to come to terms with it verbally but I wasn't saying anything cuz I was like I don't know what you're trying to work out here but I I don't like know what you want me to say like um I know you disapprove I just want to know if you still love me yeah but I didn't ask that directly but the one thing that my mom said before they walked out the door was just like I hope you're happy in your endeavors and then just left and it broke my heart truly so but she she must have been in some immense pain proba probably felt a bit of guilt oh sorry it's all right it's very Dreadful thing all around and and and of course they probably felt a bit of guilt because they thinking of you know their own actions and it kind of leads to this and so what do you say can I get your tissue um yeah thank you I think uh the biggest thing is that I've never really dove into that feeling never talked about this um because again it was just something I was like I can't even deal with this I can't think about it it is hurtful to think that your parents actually do have like a line drawn in the sand to what they will will accept and not accept and will they actually like love you past a certain point and um I guess that answer was kind of no do you think it was no though or do you think they were just kind of so you know the I I kind of think that because I went three years without speaking to my mom like there was absolutely no communication and except for she did send me a letter like an email um that was just saying that I had drifted far from God and that this wasn't his purpose for my life and I was like okay thanks appreciate that like that's great um I was very hurt by that because it just didn't feel real I didn't feel like she was being real with me I felt like she was judging me and I don't deal well with judgment I'm a very rebellious person when it comes up to judgment um like that's just kind of who I am sometimes which I'm not saying is right but I really came at it like I don't care what you say like that's what you're going to say to me after all that's what you're going to say well I'm already on this path why not just keep going and that point in my life I remember that was when I was like I have nothing else to lose you know we have the slowest tissue service in the world it's okay wow I appreciate you so much we can just keep thank you yeah I'm so sorry no not at all so you have this heartbreaking moment with your parents and then you move the next day for good did you did you uh did it hit you the significance of that at the you know absolutely I I was very hurt but didn't know how to like express my anything I had no emotions to express with that I remember remember standing in my shower just like letting the hot water go over me and just staring at the floor I wasn't crying wasn't felt nothing and I was just like okay like let's move on now like let's go because if I let this I always felt that like emotions could weaken you like in that I really did I I don't know why I can't explain why I felt that but I I needed to be strong for myself and I knew that I needed to continue going on do you think there's anything your parents could have said that would have gotten you not to do it absolutely I said that in my last interview as well like if if if you could go back and if someone could have said something to you would you have changed your mind in the answer is a million per. because I know how I react to to love to true love like I feel the genuine genuine nity in it I feel that enough I think yes I feel like if somebody I don't know who but a friend or a boyfriend or my parents or my one of my siblings could have sat me down and didn't say anything elaborate but just hey like this is not it like expressed the the warning in this like warned me in any manner because I didn't know anyone in the field nobody and only yet I'd only just kind of had people around me that were in my previous life and that was it but I didn't have any friends like no friends at all I was just kind of working every single day and that was it in my little apartment with my dog like that was it so um I wasn't really like in the outside world I was just kind of in all the time just you and in a computer basically that's it and my iPhone like that was it and like I had sets kind of set up around my home to do like different cosplay shoots and stuff but that was it like my home wasn't even look like a home it was like a big studio so um if someone would have said like hey you are worth so much more than this or I was really struggling with insecurity at the time and thought that was like why I needed the attention and the attention did feel good and for people out there wanting to be like oh she just wanted attention you're absolutely right I wanted attention um whatever that attention looked like I didn't care because I just needed to feel something you know and I feel like I craved that so much was just being able to feel something and that's definitely a wrong way to go about it but I did it and I can't take it back but there was a lot of crucial moments in my life like in all that world that broke me and continued breaking me and then it was like it's like when you're in the military I've never been in the military but I've heard a lot of stories like you you get broken and rebuilt the way they want you to be built up correct so I felt like I had just been broken and broken and broken and broken and just needed to heal and get over it like stuff it back so what's the progression so after I started after that significant thing happened with my parents I started and it was only with my partner and I do want to clarify something not that it matters but I I get frustrated at the people on the internet saying like oh you have so many bodies in the five years that I was on I literally slept with three people and two of those were my partners like my I was in relationship with them for over a year so because two of them did only so it was like a part of our relationship was that we just did all together and sold it you racked up a lower body count than probably the average American undergraduate in that period of time that's what I'm saying so I I was never about like sleeping around but my image online needed to be that so that other people like okay so the people that buy my content are what men men if they think that they have a chance with me they'll buy my content because they just want to speak to me right so I'm really good at marketing myself in that manner to think that they could potentially have a chance with me I never marketed that I had a boyfriend it was just people I was sleeping with and that's how I would Market my only fans in the messages was like oh I met this guy at the bar it's my boyfriend I met this guy at the mall it's my boyfriend like but most of the time they wouldn't show their faces so you really couldn't tell so I'm a genius at marketing that way I really was like I knew what men wanted I even read some dating books like one of them was called the game I can't remember who was like a pickup artist thing right something like that and I wanted to understand men's Brains to be able to do my work correctly like I certain kind of male brain I guess yes a different one for sure so at this point now it's no longer just you're taking pictures and and uh basically selling lust or you know enticing lust and that's how there's now this layer of Deceit because you're lying absolutely you're but absolutely but I'm selling a fantasy but are you are you justifying this to yourself is it sort of like well I'm an actress and I'm playing a role or are you not justifying it at all and you think who cares I'm just doing whatever and um I think a little bit of both I didn't think about it that much at the time I just knew I was in a world of fantasy like none of you're not even touching me anyway you know what I'm saying and in it's a fantasy right you the man is experiencing a fantasy with the girl that he's watching on screen you know so I was like I'm a Storyteller H that's how I I kind of looked at it so who's this boyfriend though this boyfriend he had his own his own only only yes men have only oh yeah absolutely they don't do half as well or even a quarter of well as women do because women don't buy men buy I had a thought that I I would start an and I would uh read Italian poetry fully clo that would be beautiful would be beautiful now the problem is I'd be giving money to because they'd get a cut of it y so I couldn't but but now you're telling me I would I would only at best i' do a quarter as well I'm sure that there is a crowd that would love to see you but that means what make 20 grand a month I don't know it's not worth it with the amount of people on I think you would have a good shot honestly so he had his own thing and what that's got to be just for gay guys yep there's no way called Gay baiting and it uh it was a very disturbing thing that I had to witness for sure wow so he so you're dating this guy who is doing gay or gay adjacent stuff on and he's your boyfriend and he's your but he's your secret boyfriend cuz is also your scene partner yes and did you have this sense I don't I don't purport to know have female psychology or even desire at work but do you have the sense of like hm this guy ain't Prince Charming this guy ain't the man ofely I knew I was not going to marry that man I just thought it was it was like more of a work relationship was like cool we both do the same thing that's great like I didn't care and again I had this crazy feeling inside that I would probably never get married because of like what I did and I was like you know if I have to accept that I just need to accept that I did not by any means think that that was going to be my husband or anything like I knew it was a shortlived relationship had you wanted to get married as a kid or a young absolutely most girls they dream of their wedding day I did for sure and then but at some point though you start pursuing this thing because it's going to lead you to your other goals and it's going to make you rich and famous but then you end up I guess this is how a fan bargain works the thing that you were aiming at you end up losing yeah so you say okay well to have this life which includes getting married I got to do and then but actually the going to preclude me from getting married but oh well never mind at least I'm still doing at least I'm still doing in my mind it wasn't I'm doing was like at least I can be in financially independent like I was like I made so much more money than my partner at the time so much more money I would imagine and so I it in my head it was it's just hard to see like a man who would be able to accept that like a woman making more money and being the complete Breadwinner like I could come into your life and spoil the F out of you just like everything you know could give you whatever you wanted and that phip watch maybe like a some kind of a nice briefcase or I'm just you know I heard you like the K's uh lip that's probably the most expensive thing I have around here those things are like $1,000 10 yeah so right so you're saying it's not even just I want to be financially independent compared to my family growing up say you're saying even compared to this guy I'm dating this guy's a schlub he's poor abely and I'm so I had very little respect for him very little fair enough right well you're gay baiting I thought that was really gross honestly like but he didn't do that the whole relationship he had just started that almost by the end of our relationship I was so against it I I didn't know how to feel about it I was like how homophobic of you very homophobic of course obviously it was very hard to deal with for the short amount of time that I did deal with it but I really didn't understand it why again I don't purport to understand female psychology why why was it so important to be financially independent like why not just you know you're obviously a a Charming smart good-looking girl why not just like go marry a rich hung and you know I was told that by people including my dad you could be a trophy wife I was like e to be literally have a a Gucci bag flung in front of my face be like H ew no I'm a very independent person at heart and I never wanted to be controlled I have a very hard time being controlled like I feel like a bird I want to fly you know and I was like I will not absolutely do that but so many people that I met in my life were trophy wives or little like sugar babies I was so yeah I've heard about that on the whatever I could never oh my gosh never I feel like I would overtake that man in a heartbeat like oh I'd be like nope but um but but I I guess sure you don't want to be just a trophy wife or something like that but I guess in modernity it seems like those are the two options that people think they have you can either be totally independent I am I Am Woman here me roar I'm going to go make all the money or you can just be uh you know the Stepford wife or but but like in a healthy marriage there is a mutual dependence yes I'm very dependent on my wife I consider myself the head of my household when rubber meets the road you know I'll step up I'll be the Macho Man but but in terms of practical life my wife does a lot I'm extremely I would starve theer I would I would be emaciated if my wife were or I you know I don't I don't know that I actually physically pay a single bill in my home I don't could you imagine if I were left with the kids for two days what would happen go they'd probably have me tied up you know hostage and they run around like crazy you know it meaning and and Beyond these very practical things there there are even deeper kind of dependencies that I have for my wife and she has many from me too you know not uh I don't want to seem like I'm being falsely modest right we both bring a lot to the table but it's like it fits perfectly because again the wife is like the neck and the body and the man is the head you know you can't walk around with a without a head and the head cannot walk around without a body right so that's precisely in fact that's the perfect image for it so meaning at this time in your life you think well I don't want to be dependent on a man particularly this schlub that I'm dating so uh but did you not have a sense that you could have a good marriage where at the time um absolutely not I was I was just so again numb I I was just like you know this is what I did I need to accept the you know there's consequences to your actions I need to accept the consequences to these actions um and I had no idea I was going to get radically saved by Christ so in that form in my life in that period of time I was like you know what I need to potentially understand that I could definitely be single for the rest of my life and that was a it wasn't it was a hard pill to swallow so it did that saddened you to that real absolutely I was like man maybe I should have thought about this a little more you know and again I've had people in the industry who are still in the industry get married but I didn't want that I didn't I wanted to be out of the industry to get married I did not want my husband to have to accept that yeah you know like except me but not that like I didn't want to be married and be on only like at all what kind of a marriage is that what kind of I don't I would not understand that one could if one were in that predicament one could have a a proper marriage but you couldn't do it at but but you would have to quit only you couldn't do it your absolutely like if I was a husband and my wife was on only I'd be it'd be ins it'd be insane it would be the insecurities that that door brings for a husband and the husband becomes a pimp he's just a pimp basically that's exactly what it is a million percent and that's like you're encouraging it because what your wife's making you money is money really that important right it was to me then but oh my gosh my viewpoints at changed so much since then why why was money so I mean I look I like having money it's nice yeah but and when I grew up I didn't we didn't have a lot of money me neither and I have more money now certainly uh and it's great but act practically speaking I still wear pretty much the same clothes my sweaters are a little nicer and I still eat pretty much the same food yeah yeah Shaggy Dog once a year and you know I don't know I still drink pretty much the same drink since smoke pretty much the same cigars and practically like I guess there's a number on a screen that is larger but practically it doesn't at a certain point it really doesn't affect your life that much I understand C it really doesn't and I came to that point that conclusion that you know I was making millions and I didn't feel any different I could buy anything that I wanted and I still felt the exact same and that that feeling that I was feeling was empty you know all that numbness was emptiness like complete and total emptiness and unaware of that for sure but loneliness emptiness not feeling fulfilled you know I was like a Creator and I was like oh I'm being creative but that's such a lie like that's not creative to spread your legs it's not right it's not at all it's not even procreative contraception all absolutely not and um I went through this really crazy time where you know this was very recently where if we're ending my only career I was feeling that more and more on a day-to-day basis and I had met my current husband now on Tik Tok so that's is that news yes that's good news yes it's it's very very new news um I have a husband I got married marvelous so yeah and when did that happen this last Sunday yeah so we're we're filming this on what day is this Wednesday Tuesday Wednesday yeah so and have you made a public announcement about this nope so am I am I like the 15th person to find this out or something you're like the seventh person to find this out right wow not even my parents know that's great well one does one does not congratulate a woman on getting married because even though popularly people do it but it's very it's sort of offensive because you're basically saying oh what some man picked you so really one says best wishes this is marvelous one congratulates the man who I have haven't I haven't met yet I presumably somewhere you will for sure uh that's marvelous and this was Easter Sunday this was Easter Sunday Resurrection Day what better day to get married but we were ready we were so ready we knew months ago like we wanted to get married to each other that saying truly stands where when you know you know yeah like I could not be more sure like absolutely not and this man was the one who introduced me to Christ again you know I have this past with Christ where like I was a pastor's kid but never truly had a relationship with God I was just a pastor's kid under like some umbrella and that's not a relationship at all that's like religion umbrella so for me he was the one who started speaking to me and praying over me we were just friends like nothing romantic at all how' you how'd you meet we met on Tik Tok actually it was crazy is that the first good thing that's ever come out of Tik Tok absolutely only a million per but it it started as such an amazing friendship and he lived in Virginia I lived in California we didn't like touch or meet for months we only spoke on FaceTime almost every single day all day long like I just we got to know each other without any physical touch which is like my love language so that was crazy for me right right but how does one meet on Tik Tok okay this was crazy so he does like live battling on Tik Tok and I was just swiping one night and he had he prior Air Force um and he had this like battle helmet on and like uh a bulletproof like vest on it was it was amazing and so he was in his like live room wearing that and I was just so curious I was like why does this guy look like he's about to go into battle and you're telling me you you marry this like gigachad Air Force like military guy but he's also a total nerd who's like playing video games I get so lucky I SAR not parall with your with your so blessed um but we met because I I found him so funny on live I was like who is this guy because every time he got a big gift he'd like throw his chair I just loved his character I was like what I have to get to know this guy so we were just talking nothing sexual at all which was odd for me because of my past and I had been single then for about almost 2 years I had taken a huge break from dating anyone I was just like I'm done I'm so done because of how my last relationship ended with the G the gay pe
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