Rob Schneider's Wild Journey From Trump Voter to Medical Student Miss USA Judge to Meeting Paul McCartney

[00:00] Now I say that-- I said, I voted for Trump in 2016.

[00:06] For some people, that's an issue for some people, you know.

[00:11] I mean, first of all, you know, I was in-- it was in California.

[00:15] And you know, I had-- I was right in the kitchen.

[00:18] Just right on my kitchen counter, I had the ballot because in California they mail you

[00:23] like a hundred of them.

[00:25] You get them there, you know.

[00:27] I was filling them.

[00:28] Not all of them.

[00:29] I'm not an asshole.

[00:30] But I was filling out, you know, three or four or five at the most, that's all.

[00:34] Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump.

[00:38] Because here's the thing.

[00:40] I know the guy, you know.

[00:42] I don't know him well, but I'm the only person you're ever going to be in the same room with

[00:47] who made a movie with Donald Trump.

[00:50] You know, Home Alone 2.

[00:56] We had to put him in it.

[00:57] It was his hotel.

[01:01] He's a big dude.

[01:02] He was just walking around in front of the camera like eh.

[01:04] We're like, maybe if we put him in it, he'll go away.

[01:10] And we did.

[01:12] And he did.

[01:13] But anyway, I didn't think much about that after.

[01:15] So anyway, a few years after that thing, I appeared with him on-- remember when Trump

[01:20] decided I'm going to run for president and going to run.

[01:23] And then he was going to do that.

[01:24] And then he didn't, you know, for a bunch of times.

[01:26] This is one of the times he didn't.

[01:27] So I was on The Tonight Show and with Trump.

[01:30] He was the first guest with Jay Leno.

[01:32] And I'm backstage with Jay.

[01:34] And he said, look, you got any jokes about Donald Trump or anything?

[01:39] I said no.

[01:41] Nothing I want to say.

[01:42] No, you just say it.

[01:43] He said just say it, you know, say it.

[01:45] You should just say the joke.

[01:48] You know, it's a joke.

[01:49] You know, he's got to know it's a joke.

[01:50] He's going to know it's a joke.

[01:51] You know, we had some fun with him.

[01:54] Have some fun.

[01:55] You know, it's a joke.

[01:57] Anyway, so we're doing the segment.

[01:59] And then Jay Leno sees there's some extra time.

[02:02] And he says, what was that story you were saying about Trump?

[02:08] What were you saying?

[02:10] What was that About?

[02:11] You fucker, you.

[02:13] Fucked man.

[02:14] So then I had to say it, you know.

[02:17] I was like, well, you know, the difference between me and Donald Trump is when I got

[02:22] started, my daddy didn't give me $40 million.

[02:26] I swear to God, Trump looked right at me like, that's not true.

[02:30] That's a lie.

[02:31] You're a liar, liar, liar.

[02:32] Liar.

[02:33] It's not true, it's not true.

[02:34] He's just lying.

[02:35] I was like, whatever.

[02:44] Just a few years after that-- I don't know, five, seven.

[02:46] I don't know, 10 years after it, I went through a divorce.

[02:48] And I was really depressed.

[02:50] And I wasn't leaving my house or anything.

[02:52] My publicist was worried about me.

[02:54] She said, listen.

[02:55] Just get out of your house.

[02:56] Just go to this, just go to this event.

[02:59] They'll have your name.

[03:00] You'll have fun.

[03:01] Just, just go.

[03:02] Just, you need to get out.

[03:03] And I went to this place.

[03:05] And there's all these people, and cars, and shit, and cameras.

[03:07] And I went up to the place and said, yeah, I'm Rob Schneider.

[03:11] And she said, oh, yeah, yeah.

[03:13] Here you go.

[03:14] And she handed me this thing.

[03:15] And it said Rob Schneider, judge.

[03:18] I said, what?

[03:20] What is this?

[03:22] It's the Miss USA Pageant.

[03:23] And I'm a judge.

[03:26] And you know who owns it?

[03:27] Donald Trump owns the whole fucking thing.

[03:30] You know how like rich guys, with the rich, you know, they get like two homes.

[03:33] You know, and a boat or something.

[03:34] You know, if you're really, really, really rich, you get like a sports team.

[03:37] Or for Donald Trump, it's like he really wants to be like with ditz-- whatever, you know.

[03:41] So I get in my little thing.

[03:48] And then they whisk me in the back room.

[03:49] You know, the back room.

[03:50] And Donald Trump comes in.

[03:51] And he says, hey, listen.

[03:53] Vote for whoever you want.

[03:54] I'm not going to tell you who to vote for.

[03:56] Vote for who you want.

[03:57] I don't care.

[03:58] I'm not going to tell you.

[03:59] You vote for who you want.

[04:01] But, but if you love your country like I love my country, if you love it, if, if you love

[04:11] your country, if you're a patriot, then you're going to vote for the blond from Texas with

[04:14] big tits.

[04:16] OK?

[04:17] OK.

[04:18] Then America can win Miss Universe.

[04:22] You want America to win, right?

[04:24] Vote who you want.

[04:30] So I was like, fuck, I'll vote for whatever you want.

[04:32] I didn't even know I was going to be here an hour ago, you know?

[04:35] It's like, I'd vote-- where do I fill it out?

[04:38] Can I go now, you know?

[04:39] And then we had to meet the contestants who came in.

[04:43] It's like, all right, we know who we're supposed to vote for.

[04:44] And then this other contestant came in, and she was the opposite of a blonde with big

[04:51] tits.

[04:52] She's the opposite of a blonde, the other spectrum, like over here, that.

[04:56] You know what I'm saying?

[04:57] So anyway, not-- so-- and she came in and said, listen, I didn't even want to do this.

[05:03] And I go, yeah?

[05:05] Yeah, I just like-- you know, my friends told me I'm pretty.

[05:07] I should do it.

[05:08] Who knows?

[05:09] I might get lucky.

[05:10] I got one year more of medical school, and if I win this, it's 100,000 bucks to pay for

[05:14] medical school to become a doctor.

[05:16] And we're like, well, you know, let's give it to her, you know?

[05:19] I mean, it's like-- it doesn't make us better people.

[05:22] I mean, you guys would have done the exact same thing.

[05:24] You would've done the exact same thing.

[05:25] You know, the blonde with the big tits is-- she's going to find, you know, a Trump-- well,

[05:29] she really did find Trump.

[05:30] She found the guy.

[05:31] He obviously-- he found her.

[05:32] You know, but this girl, who can actually help people in her life, to become a doctor.

[05:37] So we voted, and she won Miss USA, you know?

[05:39] And so they took us back after, and Donald Trump was not happy with the results of the

[05:44] vote.

[05:48] You don't love your country.

[05:49] You don't.

[05:50] You don't.

[05:51] You're a loser, loser, loser, loser.

[05:52] Now we're going to lose.

[05:53] We're going to lose to China.

[05:55] We're going to lose to China.

[05:58] China.

[06:00] Loser.

[06:02] Thank you.

[06:03] You don't love your country.

[06:04] You don't.

[06:05] I do.

[06:06] You don't.

[06:07] China.

[06:08] We're going to lose to China.

[06:12] So I was walking out of there, you know, and I felt bad, you know?

[06:16] I felt bad.

[06:17] And I went up to him, and I said, listen, Donald, I-- I'm sorry that you didn't get

[06:21] the girl that you wanted.

[06:22] I know it seemed like it meant a lot to you, and I'm sorry.

[06:28] But also, I'm sorry for that joke I said about you on Leno.

[06:33] And he looked at me.

[06:36] He said, what joke?

[06:38] It's not important.

[06:40] You know, you--

[06:43] No, I like jokes.

[06:46] What was the joke?

[06:49] Tell me the joke.

[06:53] Well, you didn't like it the first time.

[06:57] You didn't, so.

[06:59] Tell me.

[07:01] It was just the differences, you know?

[07:06] From what?

[07:08] Between you and me.

[07:12] Which is what?

[07:16] [GIGGLES]

[07:20] My daddy didn't give me $40 million to get started.

[07:21] You look, there was-- I swear to God, he looked right at me.

[07:22] He said, I hate you now.

[07:23] I do.

[07:24] I hate you.

[07:25] I hate you, loser, loser.

[07:26] China.

[07:27] I hate you, loser.

[07:28] And I was like, whatever.

[07:29] It's not like you're ever going to be president of the United States or whatever.

[07:30] If Joe Biden was a dog, you'd put him down.

[07:31] You would have to.

[07:32] You know?

[07:33] You know those dogs that are so old and fucked up, they just look like, please, kill me,

[07:34] please.

[07:35] Please, kill me.

[07:36] No, look at this eye snot.

[07:37] Please, kill me.

[07:38] Look, I just shit in my own food bowl an hour ago.

[07:39] What more information do you need?

[07:40] Please, kill me.

[07:41] Kill me.

[07:42] We're all in this together.

[07:43] Hey, listen, by the way, just so you know, I would fuck a Democrat.

[07:44] I would.

[07:45] I would.

[07:46] I would.

[07:47] I just wouldn't talk about politics before.

[07:48] You know what I mean?

[07:49] You know?

[07:50] And so, right when I was coming, I voted for Trump.

[07:51] Yeah.

[07:52] Sorry.

[07:53] Sorry, it's a joke.

[07:54] So cut to 2016, back in the kitchen, you know, where I'm voting.

[07:55] And my wife comes in.

[07:56] You vote for Donald Trump?

[07:57] 17 times you vote for him?

[07:58] Do you know your wife is a Mexicana?

[07:59] Your daughters are Mexicanas.

[08:00] Your family is from Mexico.

[08:01] You vote for him, then you're racist too.

[08:02] I'll never look at you the same way again ever.

[08:03] I swear to God, four years later, my wife's like, fuck, I can't believe it, but I'm voting

[08:04] for Trump.

[08:05] Holy shit, let me tell you.

[08:06] I don't know.

[08:07] I am not a person who menstruates.

[08:08] I'm a woman.

[08:09] I'm a [SPANISH].

[08:10] I think we're all still recovering from post traumatic scam-demic syndrome, you know?

[08:11] By the way, the Chinese are trying to kill us.

[08:12] They are.

[08:13] Forget about COVID.

[08:14] Forget about that.

[08:15] They've been trying to kill us since the '70s.

[08:16] Remember Kung Pao chicken, how spicy that shit was?

[08:17] Remember?

[08:18] Yeah, trying to kill us.

[08:19] Yeah, it was scary because we didn't know what was happening at the beginning.

[08:20] You know, it was like, it's just killing old people.

[08:21] We're good.

[08:22] We're good.

[08:23] And then you look at your phone.

[08:24] No, it's just killing people who are really, really out of shape.

[08:25] Wait, I'm really, really out of shape.

[08:26] Wait a minute.

[08:27] This guy's parachute didn't open, and he died of COVID.

[08:28] Maybe that's how you get it.

[08:29] You know, you're falling.

[08:30] You're breathing all that shit in.

[08:31] You see, when you're in a place of fear, you know, your common sense takes a back seat

[08:32] because your most primal instinct is survival.

[08:33] Your common sense takes a backseat.

[08:34] That's how they were able to get away with this one.

[08:35] We're very lucky.

[08:36] We have a selective virus.

[08:37] Very lucky.

[08:38] Selective.

[08:39] You want to go to the gym, dead.

[08:40] Haircut, dead.

[08:41] Nails done, dead.

[08:42] Church, dead.

[08:43] You want to go to Target or Walmart?

[08:44] Come on in.

[08:45] You're good.

[08:46] Let's go.

[08:47] Come on.

[08:48] Come on.

[08:49] The virus knows you need some shit.

[08:50] Standing up at a restaurant dead.

[08:51] Sit down at a restaurant, the virus will go right over your fucking head.

[08:52] Right over your head.

[08:53] You feel that, honey?

[08:54] That was the virus going over the head.

[08:55] Yeah.

[08:56] Yeah, we're sitting down.

[08:57] You respect us.

[08:58] I thought the most interesting thing that happened during the pandemic was right in

[08:59] the middle when we weren't sure what was happening.

[09:00] You know, this is a real virus, you know, or this is the biggest transfer of wealth

[09:01] in human history.

[09:02] We weren't fucking sure what was going to happen.

[09:03] Weren't sure.

[09:04] Right in the middle.

[09:05] Right in the middle.

[09:06] And you weren't sure.

[09:07] You know, our own government, the Pentagon, the armed forces branch of our own government,

[09:08] decided to release actual footage of an unidentified flying object, admitting for the first time

[09:09] something else they've been lying about for 60 years, that UFOs are real, that aliens

[09:10] exist.

[09:11] Three minutes and 17 seconds, this F-16 fighter pilot off the coast of Florida, because all

[09:12] the weird shit always happens in Florida-- and the F-16 videotape this alien craft.

[09:13] He seemed to be doing unbelievable gravity defying moves beyond our human comprehension,

[09:14] and technology seemed like the craft was making the space move out of the way so the space

[09:15] could move into it.

[09:16] Then after three minutes and 17 seconds, it took off at 20,000 miles an hour into the

[09:17] solar system, never to be seen again.

[09:18] And they released this to all of us, this footage saying, yes, UFOs are real.

[09:19] Aliens exist.

[09:20] They released it to all of us, and nobody gave a shit.

[09:21] Nobody cared.

[09:22] People are like, aliens are real?

[09:23] Do they have any toilet paper?

[09:24] Because I need toilet paper.

[09:25] But anyway, my wife, though, the best thing that ever happened to me, Patricia, she said--

[09:26] she said to me, listen.

[09:27] It's the pandemia.

[09:28] You're not making any movies with Adam Sandler right now.

[09:29] You have time on your hands.

[09:30] You're not playing a Hawaiian guy in any movie right now.

[09:31] This one my good eye.

[09:32] Hey, Kikkikukalaw, get your butt out of the dishwasher.

[09:33] Shark only bite you when you try to touch their private parts.

[09:34] Aquariums make me super horny.

[09:35] I'm sorry.

[09:36] You're not doing that movie right now.

[09:37] You're not playing a gigolo in a movie right now either.

[09:38] That's a huge bitch, which was-- it's true.

[09:39] This is a true story.

[09:40] I was at the airport, and a professional female basketball player came up to me.

[09:41] She said, Mr. Schneider.

[09:42] Hello.

[09:43] Yeah?

[09:44] I just want you to know, ever since that movie, "Deuce Bigelow," came out, I've never been

[09:45] able to walk through the airport without somebody yelling out "that's a huge bitch" to me.

[09:46] I didn't know that joke would leave the movie.

[09:47] I didn't think, you know-- I thought it would stay in the movie.

[09:48] I didn't know, but I'm sorry.

[09:49] I'm sorry.

[09:50] I couldn't help it, but she was getting on the plane like, freak, behemoth, keep it in

[09:51] the circuit.

[09:52] I did not do that.

[09:53] I didn't have to.

[09:54] Other people did it for me.

[09:55] They did, because they saw the movie, I guess, too.

[09:56] Do you have time on your hands right now?

[09:57] You're not playing any girls in any movies either.

[09:58] Hey, bro, it's me, Jessica.

[09:59] I'm in here.

[10:00] I remember when you moved here from Arkansas.

[10:01] Everybody threw rocks at you because you talked funny.

[10:02] Your front teeth were brown.

[10:03] I'm your only friend.

[10:04] Billy, I should have made love to you when I had the chance.

[10:05] Father Mulcahy?

[10:06] Well, my favorite line in the movie is you think you're so cool because you could pee

[10:07] with your penis.

[10:08] Can I get a sex on the beach with extra sugar on the rim?

[10:09] Yum.

[10:10] Sorry, that was too long.

[10:11] I could do the whole movie, but I shouldn't.

[10:12] My wife said, you have-- you have time right now.

[10:13] You need to get a vasectomy.

[10:14] Vasectomy, B-A-S-E-T-O-M-Y, "bah-sec-tuh-me," snippy snippy time.

[10:15] [SPANISH].

[10:16] The baby factory, closed.

[10:17] No [SPANISH].

[10:18] No more girls.

[10:19] Snippy snippy time.

[10:20] And so I'll be honest with you.

[10:21] You know, I-- yeah, I did it.

[10:22] And I just-- you know, first of all, it's a much simpler operation for us guys to get

[10:23] a vasectomy than it is for women to get their tubes tied.

[10:24] I mean, even though technically it's her fucking job.

[10:25] I know you're like, huh, what the fuck?

[10:26] Anyway, so-- so-- and by the way, it's a very intimate procedure, the vasectomy.

[10:27] You know, holy fuck.

[10:28] Not distracting at all.

[10:29] Don't worry about it.

[10:30] No.

[10:31] Audience is totally like, it's going to kill him, I think.

[10:32] Maybe it'll fucking hit him, and then we'll get on the news.

[10:33] Anyway, it's a very unsubtle camera move.

[10:34] It's all I'm saying.

[10:35] Anyway, so I did it.

[10:36] And by the way, there's very few, you know, complications, but I will go into them now.

[10:37] It's a very sensitive, a very intimate procedure.

[10:38] You know, a vasectomy requires another man to have his hands on your balls for an hour.

[10:39] That's a long time to make eye contact, you know?

[10:40] One of the weird things about being famous, or whatever I am, you know, you meet people

[10:41] I probably wouldn't if I wasn't, you know?

[10:42] And so I had a friend of mine.

[10:43] I met the friend at some charity function.

[10:44] He's the chief of surgery.

[10:45] You know, like we stayed friends, and then he moved out to Milwaukee.

[10:46] And so I said, honey, if I have to have another man with his hands on my balls for an hour,

[10:47] can it at least be someone I've had dinner with?

[10:48] There's your wine.

[10:49] Robbie, you good with the wine?

[10:50] Oh, yeah.

[10:51] So my wife was happy to get rid of me for the whole procedure.

[10:52] And she had me fly out to Milwaukee because that's where Dr. Salameh is.

[10:53] And he's such a nice guy.

[10:54] He picked me up at the airport.

[10:55] The chief of surgery picking you up at the airport, you know?

[10:56] And then he drove me right to the surgical room, not operating room, just surgical room,

[10:57] literally just a room with a chair that goes, nyeah.

[10:58] And then he said, so did you read some of the stuff I sent you?

[10:59] And I said, no.

[11:00] No, I didn't.

[11:01] I didn't want to get freaked out by anything, you know?

[11:02] I figured, if it was important, you'd tell me.

[11:03] You will tell me, right?

[11:04] You would tell me.

[11:05] And he said, OK, first thing we're going to do is I'm going to put some numbing cream

[11:06] on your scrotum.

[11:07] And then I'm going to give you a shot between your testicles now.

[11:08] You will feel that.

[11:09] But then after that, it's just going to be slightly uncomfortable, you know, like somebody

[11:10] digging around in your scrotum looking for stuff.

[11:11] Probably never had anybody do that before.

[11:12] You know, you're like, how would I?

[11:13] How would that come up, you know?

[11:14] And I was like, ow, ow, ow.

[11:15] What was that?

[11:16] He said, that's just the numbing cream.

[11:17] Well, you must have a callus on your finger then, because that hurt like a motherfucker.

[11:18] And then he gave me a shot between my balls.

[11:19] Let me tell you something.

[11:20] When you get a shot between your balls, you will put down your fucking phone at that.

[11:21] Yeah, you will.

[11:22] Oh!

[11:23] Wow.

[11:24] You have my complete attention.

[11:25] Wow.

[11:26] What else can I do for you?

[11:27] Then he was right.

[11:28] After that, I was just slightly uncomfortable, you know, like somebody digging around in

[11:29] my scrotum looking for stuff, you know?

[11:30] And then I smelled smoke.

[11:31] I smell smoke.

[11:32] What is that?

[11:33] Well, that's you.

[11:34] Oh.

[11:35] I'm on fire right now?

[11:36] What part of me is burning, exactly?

[11:37] What-- and he said, well, we just severed the vas deferens veins, and then we soldered

[11:38] them off, you know?

[11:39] That's the smoke you smell, your flesh burning.

[11:40] That was going to be my second guess, I swear to God.

[11:41] Was that necessary?

[11:42] The fire thing?

[11:43] Well, that's what a vasectomy is.

[11:44] I mean, if you would have read the stuff I sent you.

[11:45] Basically, what I'm trying to do is prevent your little swimmers from getting to where

[11:46] they want to go, you know?

[11:47] He dumbed it down right away for me.

[11:48] And I was still high from all the medication, you know?

[11:49] Plus I got a little bit extra because I'm Rob fucking Schneider.

[11:50] Like, come on, man.

[11:51] I'm your friend.

[11:52] Who's your friend?

[11:53] I thought I was your friend.

[11:54] You know me.

[11:55] I need more.

[11:56] Give it to me.

[11:57] My friend.

[11:58] So anyway, so I said to him, so do I-- do I still make the little swimmers?

[11:59] And he said, hey, I'm not taking out your testicles.

[12:00] I'm just preventing your swimmers from getting to where they want to go.

[12:01] I said, well, if I still make them, where do they go?

[12:02] And he said, the body reabsorbs most of them.

[12:03] I said, yeah?

[12:04] What about the smart ones?

[12:05] You know, the ones that are like, oh, fuck, it's all burned out right here.

[12:06] There's got to be another way out of here.

[12:07] Come on, guys, let's try to sneak out the asshole.

[12:08] Let's go.

[12:09] You, go.

[12:10] You, go.

[12:11] My turn.

[12:12] What about those guys, the smart ones?

[12:13] He said, I wouldn't worry about it.

[12:14] It's like, dude, I'm never going to not worry about it.

[12:15] I'm worried right now.

[12:16] I need to know where every swimmer is at all times in my body.

[12:17] I can't have them swimming around, and I have no-- I can't-- I can't have them swim.

[12:18] I can't.

[12:19] I can't be like-- one day I'm watching an Italian movie.

[12:20] I start to tear up a little bit.

[12:21] The next thing I got, like, jizz coming on my eyeballs.

[12:22] I need to know where they all are at all times starting now.

[12:23] Then he said, OK, now, Robbie, we're going to close up your incision right now.

[12:24] And what I'm going to do is I'm going to use surgical glue.

[12:25] This way, it'll lessen the likelihood of you having any unattractive scars.

[12:26] And I said, you know, I'm not worried about that.

[12:27] I mean, I don't think there's a chance that, you know, one day I'd be at some event where

[12:28] I'd be like hey, hey-- I'm at the Oscars.

[12:29] Hey, Will Smith just slapped the shit out of Chris Rock.

[12:30] Yeah, that's fucked up, but look at Rob Schneider's balls.

[12:31] Look at that.

[12:32] Lift your Asian dick.

[12:33] Look at that.

[12:34] Scar right there.

[12:35] I guess anything's possible.

[12:36] I guess I could be at the one Korean spas in downtown Tampa Bay, you know?

[12:37] I drop my towel.

[12:38] I go to pick it up, you know?

[12:39] My dick goes to the right.

[12:40] Some old Korean guy looks at me and goes like, oh, that's fucked up.

[12:41] You got a scar on your ball sack.

[12:42] I'm going to throw up now.

[12:43] Oh, oh.

[12:44] You should have taken the glue, bitch?

[12:45] Why didn't you take the glue?

[12:46] No [NON-ENGLISH] for you, motherfucker.

[12:47] That's Korean for please or thank you.

[12:48] I don't remember.

[12:49] So anyway, then the-- Dr. Baz said, OK, look.

[12:50] On top of the surgical glue, I'm going to put a thick layer of gauze.

[12:51] That way, for the flight home, it'll feel like your dick is in a bird's nest.

[12:52] Thank you.

[12:53] I didn't know I was going to get a bird's nest out of this.

[12:54] Thank you.

[12:55] So I flew home, you know?

[12:56] I took every pain pill I had left for the flight home, you know?

[12:57] And it was a good thing, because there was turbulence.

[12:58] Sorry.

[12:59] I knew not to expect any sympathy from my wife because women don't have sympathy for

[13:00] their husbands when we get injured.

[13:01] That's right.

[13:02] You know-- you know, ladies, whenever you get hurt, who's right there?

[13:03] We are.

[13:04] We are.

[13:05] Yeah, we're right there.

[13:06] Oh, honey, can I rub it and fuck you?

[13:07] Can I rub fuck-- can I rub you and then fuck?

[13:08] Ooh, you want some ice, honey?

[13:09] Can I get you some ice?

[13:10] Can I fuck?

[13:11] Can I fuck with the-- with the ice?

[13:12] Without the ice?

[13:13] It doesn't have to be with the ice.

[13:14] I'm just like, I'm already rubbing you.

[13:15] I should be fucking you.

[13:16] I mean, we're already here.

[13:17] We're halfway there.

[13:18] I'm just here for you.

[13:19] I love you.

[13:20] Because we're gentlemen.

[13:21] That's right.

[13:22] Ladies, we have to pee in the middle of the night.

[13:23] Do we wake you up?

[13:24] Never.

[13:25] No.

[13:26] We don't even turn on the light.

[13:27] We just get out of bed, try not to make too much motion on the bed.

[13:28] You know, we get out, and then we make our way out of the room in the pitch darkness

[13:29] just by rubbing our leg against the side of the bed, you know, until we get to the wall.

[13:30] We find our way to the next wall.

[13:31] And you feel around till you get to the bathroom doorknob, you know?

[13:32] Then you open it up.

[13:33] You don't turn the light on until you close the door.

[13:34] Why?

[13:35] Because you're a gentleman.

[13:36] You do your business.

[13:37] You turn the light off.

[13:38] You come out, and you're half fucking blind.

[13:39] You try to navigate your way back to the bed, and nine of your toes successfully make it.

[13:40] But the baby toe finds one of the legs of the bed.

[13:41] Oh, cunt fucker.

[13:42] Oh, cunt fucker.

[13:43] Oh, motherfucker.

[13:44] Your wife turns a light on.

[13:45] [CACKLES]

[13:46] Your toe is pointing the other way.

[13:47] The nail is completely off.

[13:48] Let me see that thing.

[13:49] Save that.

[13:50] You should save that.

[13:51] This is a special night for you.

[13:52] As soon as my wife saw me, she said, let me see it.

[13:53] I was like, excuse me?

[13:54] Let me see it, your big operation.

[13:55] I said, now?

[13:56] [SPANISH].

[13:57] Now.

[13:58] At the airport?

[13:59] That's it?

[14:00] That small little scar?

[14:01] That's what you've been complaining about for three days?

[14:02] Oh, they're going to cut my balls.

[14:03] Oh!

[14:04] You're such a pussy.

[14:05] You're such a pussy.

[14:06] You are.

[14:07] I had two human beings come out of my vagina, screaming, with their eyes wide open.

[14:08] Men couldn't have babies.

[14:09] You could-- you couldn't.

[14:10] You couldn't.

[14:11] If men had to have babies, there would be abortion clinics at every 7-Eleven, every

[14:12] Target, every Walmart, every Nordstrom's Rack, every gas station.

[14:13] What's that thing under your dick?

[14:14] It's a bird's nest.

[14:15] I'm surprised you never heard about it.

[14:16] It comes with it.

[14:17] How does it come off?

[14:18] I didn't read any of his stuff.

[14:19] I didn't want to get freaked out by it.

[14:20] Hey, Doc.

[14:21] Yeah, it's Rob.

[14:22] Yeah, I got a question for you.

[14:23] You know, the bird's nest is glued on there really good.

[14:24] Good job with that.

[14:25] Solid. 100%.

[14:26] Just curious, how does one take that off, exactly?

[14:27] What?

[14:28] Just use a little, um, q-tip and a little fingernail polish remover.

[14:29] It'll come right off.

[14:30] All right.

[14:31] What did doctor say?

[14:32] He said use fingernail polish remover.

[14:33] Don't use that!

[14:34] Yeah, but that's what the doctor-- I don't care what he said.

[14:35] That's toxic.

[14:36] I don't want anything toxic on your balls.

[14:37] Those things slap up against me.

[14:38] Not that fast, but you know.

[14:39] Sorry.

[14:40] Well, what do I use?

[14:41] Use tea tree oil.

[14:42] What's tea tree oil?

[14:43] It's just as good as-- just as good as fingernail polish remover, but it's non-toxic.

[14:44] Use it.

[14:45] I'm going to watch you.

[14:46] So she follows me, you know?

[14:47] She follows me into the shower, you know, like, naked.

[14:48] She hands me the tea tree oil.

[14:49] I pour the whole fucking thing on, you know?

[14:50] The bird's nest comes right off.

[14:51] And then I see some other problems happening.

[14:52] Hey, Doc, Patrice said she didn't want me to use the fingernail polish remover.

[14:53] Yeah, but that's what you should use.

[14:54] Yeah, but she didn't-- she didn't want me to use it.

[14:55] Yeah, but I'm the doctor.

[14:56] Yeah, but you don't live with this crazy bitch.

[14:57] You've never seen her.

[14:58] She's like-- she wears me-- she just wears me down.

[14:59] I do whatever she says.

[15:00] It's just-- OK, just don't use tea tree oil.

[15:01] Why, what's wrong with the tea tree oil?

[15:02] Well, that'll melt the surgical glue, and your balls will fall down to the floor.

[15:03] Is that what those two white things are in there, those?

[15:04] Did you use tea tree oil?

[15:05] Yes.

[15:06] At least you don't have to worry anymore how those other little swimmers are going to get

[15:07] out.

[15:08] That's a true story.

[15:09] All right, you guys have been fantastic.

[15:10] I'm sorry this has been so long, but I just want to do everything that I can do.

[15:11] I will tell you-- I will say thank you.

[15:12] Thank you.

[15:13] I will say-- I will say that, like, I've been very blessed, and at the same time, you know,

[15:14] things happen in your career.

[15:15] I mean, first of all, I had no idea that one day I would be blackballed by the pharmaceutical

[15:16] industries and tried to be canceled.

[15:17] And let me just tell you, they can't do it because I have you people.

[15:18] So thank you very much.

[15:19] I love you.

[15:20] Thank you.

[15:21] Thank you very much.

[15:22] Thank you.

[15:23] And last, I'll leave you with this true story.

[15:24] I was able to make a movie last year called "Daddy Daughter Trip," and I hadn't starred

[15:25] in a movie in a lot of years.

[15:26] And it's a lot of fun.

[15:27] And you know, well, it's fun to make a movie because you get to write it with your friends.

[15:28] Like, I got to write it with my wife, Patricia, and Jamie Lissow, who's on Gutfeld a lot of

[15:29] times.

[15:30] Yeah, yeah.

[15:31] First time I ever got a response on that one with Jamie.

[15:32] He never got a response before.

[15:33] Just kidding, Jamie.

[15:34] Anyway, he's going to watch this.

[15:35] So anyway, we got to film it, which is fun, and edit it, which is-- you really make the

[15:36] movie in editing, and I missed that, you know?

[15:37] And then you get to put music in it-- music, which is so fun, you know?

[15:38] I got to write the theme with my buddy, John Hunter.

[15:39] You know, and then they asked-- we have a little bit of money-- was there any songs

[15:40] you want to maybe buy?

[15:41] And I said, what about a Paul McCartney song?

[15:42] And they said, OK, but then there'll be no more money for the rest of the movie, you

[15:43] know?

[15:44] He's the most expensive guy in the world.

[15:45] Paul McCartney, $600,000 for one song, you know?

[15:46] So that's like a tenth-- the whole budget of the movie.

[15:47] So anyway, you know, after we bought the song, we like-- I heard he was going to be touring.

[15:48] And I went like, you know, for $600,000, I should get some fucking free tickets to that

[15:49] show.

[15:50] You know, I was like-- I don't-- I didn't want to be-- I didn't want to be an asshole.

[15:51] I don't want to be an asshole.

[15:52] So I texted his manager.

[15:53] I'm like, hey, listen, it's Rob Schneider, $600,000.

[15:54] Hey, it's Rob Schneider.

[15:55] Look, I heard Paul McCartney is going to be performing in Texas.

[15:56] I just happened to buy tickets.

[15:57] I'm going to be there.

[15:58] Anyway, is it possible I could get to say hi to Mr. McCartney?

[15:59] And he said, we'll text you the night of the show, see what we could do.

[16:00] I was like, oh, amazing.

[16:01] We'll see what happens.

[16:02] Who knows, you know?

[16:03] Then after that, I flew to Mexico to direct a movie that my wife wrote, "Amor es Amor,"

[16:04] for Paramount Plus.

[16:05] And it could be good.

[16:06] I don't know.

[16:07] I don't speak Spanish, but it seems like they were looking at each other a lot.

[16:08] So that's-- when I was down in Mexico, I got COVID, you know, because everybody surrounding

[16:09] me was vaccinated.

[16:10] You know, that's-- that's how you get it.

[16:11] So then I recovered from that.

[16:12] I recovered from that, and then I flew back to the States to Arizona.

[16:13] And then it was time to go see Paul McCartney.

[16:14] So I took my daughter, Miranda, who's the daughter in "Daddy Daughter Trip."

[16:15] And she's nine, and I thought, you know, when I was nine, what a big deal the Beatles were.

[16:16] Who knows how long he's going to be doing this?

[16:17] Let's just go see Paul McCartney in concert.

[16:18] And so on the plane on the way to see Paul McCartney, my daughter comes down with COVID.

[16:19] Like, my daughter's like, I don't feel good, Dad.

[16:20] I think I got when you had.

[16:21] And I was like, you're fine.

[16:22] You're probably fine.

[16:23] You're fine.

[16:24] You're good.

[16:25] You're good.

[16:26] Probably-- I think you're good.

[16:27] I didn't know.

[16:28] We didn't have a test.

[16:29] But I knew she had it, you know?

[16:30] Anyway, I said, don't worry.

[16:31] We're just going to go straight to the concert.

[16:32] We're not even gonna-- we're just gonna go-- this way, you'll hear music.

[16:33] You feel better.

[16:34] I feel better when I'm sick and I hear music.

[16:35] Oh, music, I feel better, you know?

[16:36] So we went to the concert, and I'm thinking, he's not gonna call me.

[16:37] He's Paul McCartney.

[16:38] They're going to forget, whatever.

[16:39] You know, you know.

[16:40] And my daughter's like, I don't feel good.

[16:41] I want to go to the hotel.

[16:42] Well, just one more song.

[16:43] You said that seven songs ago.

[16:44] Yeah, but these are Beatles songs.

[16:45] They're like a minute and a half, two minutes tops.

[16:46] It's not like Led Zeppelin or whatever.

[16:47] And then I got this buzz on my phone.

[16:48] SP will meet you 20 minutes after the performance.

[16:49] Start making your way backstage during the "Live and Let Die" fireworks.

[16:50] SP?

[16:51] Sir Paul.

[16:52] Meet me.

[16:53] I can't be the guy who kills Paul McCartney.

[16:54] I can't.

[16:55] I can't.

[16:56] I can't.

[16:57] I get enough bad press as it is.

[16:58] I can't.

[16:59] I can't.

[17:00] I can't.

[17:01] You know, but $600,000.

[17:02] Whatever.

[17:03] Anyway, and then all of a sudden, the fireworks go off.

[17:04] And he starts singing.

[17:05] You know, starts singing "Live and Let Die."

[17:06] And I was like, come on, honey.

[17:07] We got to do the right thing.

[17:08] Come on.

[17:09] Let's go backstage.

[17:10] Like, this is so wrong.

[17:11] I know.

[17:12] I know.

[17:13] This is-- but, like, he's not going to come out.

[17:14] He's Paul McCartney.

[17:15] I'm sure they just have people come.

[17:16] He's like-- you know?

[17:17] And then I start looking around, going, well, you know, the ceilings are pretty high.

[17:18] Seems to be good airflow, you know?

[17:19] I mean, like, that works in our favor pretty good, you know?

[17:20] And then he comes in the room by himself, Paul McCartney.

[17:21] And he's really tall, which also works in our favor.

[17:22] And he comes right up to me and said, I liked the movie.

[17:23] Paul McCartney, you saw my movie, "Daddy Daughter Trip."

[17:24] He's like, I didn't see the whole movie, just the little bit with my song in it.

[17:25] Got to make sure it's not a piece of crap.

[17:26] You know what I mean?

[17:27] Who's that behind you?

[17:28] No one.

[17:29] There's no one.

[17:30] There's no one behind me.

[17:31] And my daughter's like, I have COVID!

[17:32] He gave me COVID!

[17:33] Now I have COVID!

[17:34] Now you're going to get COVID!

[17:35] Mr. McCartney, I feel terrible, seriously.

[17:36] I-- awful, terrible.

[17:37] I-- you know, wow.

[17:38] I didn't think you were even going to come.

[17:39] I don't know.

[17:40] I feel terrible, seriously.

[17:41] But you know, you're 80.

[17:42] That's pretty good.

[17:43] 80 is solid.

[17:44] 80.

[17:45] 80 is good.

[17:46] I would take 80, you know?

[17:47] You know, 80.

[17:48] You know.

[17:49] It's not like-- it's not like you die at 80 anyone's going to feel like you got ripped

[17:50] off.

[17:51] I mean 80s a solid-- you know, if you look at all the rock and roll, you know, 80-- 80--

[17:52] you know, 80 is-- 80.

[17:53] That's like two John Lennons.

[17:54] You know, but John Lennon and the other, you know?

[17:55] You said so yourself, live and let die.

[17:56] Thank you.

[17:57] Thank you.

[17:58] Thank you so much, Tampa Bay.

[17:59] You can do it.

[18:00] Thank you.

[18:01] Thank you.

[18:02] I love you.

[18:03] Thanks for coming, Tampa Bay.

[18:04] I love you.

[18:05] [MUSIC PLAYING]