Charlie Kirk Reveals Why Modern Dating Is Failing and What Men and Women Need to Change Now
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Charlie Kirk Reveals Why Modern Dating Is Failing and What Men and Women Need to Change Now
Charlie Kirk breaks down what he sees as the core problems plaguing modern dating for both men and women. From unrealistic expectations and dating app culture to the lost art of purity and self-control, Kirk doesn't hold back on what he believes needs to change. He addresses why women should prioritize finding a husband before 25, why men must demonstrate self-control above all else, and why the man should always pay on dates. Kirk also shares practical advice for dating with intent to marry, including the importance of road trips together, premarital counseling questions most couples never ask, and why liking your partner matters just as much as loving them.
Modern dating has become a source of frustration for both men and women. At a women's summit, when asked how many were unhappy with the dating pool, every woman raised her hand. Interestingly, all the young men Kirk speaks with express the same dissatisfaction with women. This raises an important question: if both sides are unhappy, who's actually wrong?
The biggest problem with modern dating comes down to an options issue. When people can go online and start swiping again instead of working through challenges with someone, the commitment necessary for lasting relationships disappears. Rather than investing in one person and working through difficulties, people simply move on to the next option.
What Women Get Wrong
Many women have developed unrealistic expectations about the men they want. Too often, women say they want a guy earning a million dollars a year who's 6'4" with a perfect jaw. These superficial criteria completely miss what actually matters in a life partner.
What's truly concerning is where character and virtue fall on these lists of requirements. When asked about wanting someone who will be a good father or someone with good character, many women respond as if these are afterthoughts. They say they want loyalty and faithfulness too, but these qualities don't lead the list. Essentially, they want the Ken doll with all the good virtues thrown in as a bonus, rather than prioritizing virtue from the start.
Women need to be told more clearly that if they don't have children before age 30, there's only a 50% chance they will have children at all. The statistics on happiness are striking: the most depressed people in America are women without children, particularly young single women in their early 30s. Meanwhile, the happiest women in America are married women with children.
Society has gotten this wrong. Women should prioritize family and children way above career. They should try to find their husband before they're 25. Having children is a blessing that should be pursued and celebrated. Young women should try to have as many children as they can, which is far more important than traveling to Thailand, having a big apartment, or collecting cats.
Young women need to be very clear about what they're expecting in a man and date with the intent to marry, not just to have a good time. Both men and women need to work on this, but young women especially need to do a much better job of saving themselves for marriage. They need to prioritize purity again. If young women make this a priority, young men will follow.
What Makes Men Attractive
The most attractive quality in a young man that young women can't always articulate is self-control. A woman needs to know that a man can control his impulses when things get really crazy. When on a date, can he control his mouth, his tongue, his eyes? Will he cheat? Will he have a wandering eye? Will he get drunk every night?
Women can't always put this into words, but self-control differentiates a boy from a man. A boy is someone who has no control over himself. Confidence and ambition matter too, and these qualities require self-control as the foundation. To be ambitious and have a north star, a man must be able to control his flesh.
Men face very different problems and temptations than women. Men struggle with controlling their flesh, which is why adultery is literally in the Ten Commandments. An entire people had to be commanded not to cheat on their wives because if it were easy, God wouldn't have needed to command it.
When men are dating and want to make themselves more attractive to women, demonstrating self-control is essential. Women also want to be taken care of. Deep down, they want a man to be able to provide for them.
The Controversy Over Who Pays
A man should pay on the first date, 100%. The idea of a man splitting the check is completely unacceptable. A man should go into debt and scrub dishes before letting a woman pay for a date when talking about serious dating at age 24 or older.
From a perspective of honor, the money saved by splitting a check is not worth the honor compromised. There is an order of virtues, and above frugality is honor. Men must lead and provide. Under no circumstance should a man ever let a woman pay for a date.
Some might argue that if a relationship becomes serious and the woman wants to treat the man to a nice dinner, that's different. If there's intent to marry and finances are already blending, the psychology changes. But the idea of taking turns or alternating who pays is completely wrong.
This isn't about feminism or egalitarianism. Women should want to be provided for. Women should have an expectation that they are so important, critical, necessary, and beautiful that it shouldn't even be a question on a date. When dating, it would be a huge turnoff if a woman reaches for the check.
The ideal is to want a woman who wants to be led by a man, not a woman who's going to compete financially in a marriage or question financial decisions. The man is the leader of the household and should be the primary provider. There are exceptions, but this worked for thousands of years and should work again. What society is doing right now is simply not working.
If a woman were to pull out a credit card to pay for something on a date, it sends the wrong signal. It suggests she's one of those "boss babes" rather than someone who wants traditional roles. When a woman reaches for the check, what she's really showing is that she's trying to alleviate what she perceives to be a financial burden, but this shouldn't even be a consideration.
Women going into dates should have an expectation that the man takes care of it, and they should show immense gratitude when he does. A woman should say, "Thank you so much for doing that and not having to put this unnecessary pressure on me because you've just freed me." That's what women actually want.
Many women are secretly miserable that they have to be as financially successful as men. Deep down, a lot of women want to be mothers and wives. Society has overcorrected, and many women who deep down want to be moms would love to have their man grab the check and say, "No, I got it." This signals to them that when bullets start firing and chaos erupts, this man is going to protect the family.
The most alpha move is to go to the waiter before the meal and give them the credit card so it's not even a conversation. It's paid and done before it can even be introduced as a topic. From a woman's perspective, this is incredibly attractive.
Dating Advice and Red Flags
Sex should not happen before marriage. This isn't just a religious take but also a rational, reasonable argument. If sex is introduced into dating, there's a dilution of what will be the ultimate physical crescendo of marriage. Bring back purity and saving yourself for marriage.
Couples should go on a road trip together while dating. It's important to find uncomfortable, high-pressure travel situations, not just flying first class to Aruba. Try to be in places of discomfort intentionally with the person you're dating. You'll find out a lot about that person.
If a woman says she wants to be a traditional wife, see if she's actually up to it. Ask her to cook a meal. This isn't just about whether she's a good cook, but whether she enjoys it. Ask her, "Did you enjoy doing that? Did you love getting the ingredients, looking at the cookbook, thinking about the recipe, thinking about me while cooking the food?" If she responds positively, that's a great sign. If it was a disaster and she hated it, there might be issues ahead.
This doesn't mean every wife has to cook every meal for her husband, but many women out there actually want to do that. They want to provide for their man in that way, run the house, and shepherd the kids.
Critical Premarital Questions
Premarital counseling is essential. Several questions need to be answered before marriage that most people never address.
Money is the number one issue. Who will handle the finances? Another critical question people overlook: Are you going to have an open or closed house? Were you raised in a house where lots of friends came over all the time, or were you raised in a house where almost no friends came over? This matters enormously. If someone raised in an open house marries someone from a closed house and they never discuss this, it can destroy the marriage. One person constantly wants people over while the other needs quiet evenings.
Make sure you really like each other, not just love each other. "Like" is a unique word in the English language. Can you talk to that person for seven hours uninterrupted on a park bench if needed, or is it just kind of an annoyance and purely physical?
In-laws matter. They really do. While they shouldn't always be deal breakers, you should know the in-laws because your wife will often take the form of her mother. You should at least get along with and understand your future in-laws.
Children questions must be addressed: How many children? When will you have children? Is it a priority? Will it be early or late? Religious questions matter too. Will you raise children religiously or secularly?
Vacation expectations should be discussed. How many vacations will you take? What type? Are you an RV family or a private island family? Will you splurge on one vacation a year or take three or four?
The biggest question of all: What are acceptable and unacceptable vices for your marriage? Is it acceptable for the husband to smoke a cigar? Will marijuana be allowed in the marriage? Is it okay for alcohol to be around? If yes, how often? Will you drink on weeknights? Are more than one drink acceptable? Will you drink socially? Will you drink once you have kids? Will you drink around the kids?
Entertainment questions matter too. Will you watch TV at night? Will you be okay if there's R-rated sexual nudity that your partner is watching, or is that completely off limits? These are questions that couples constantly fail to address before marriage.
Making Marriage Work
An amazing marriage requires actually liking each other. Obviously no marriage is perfect, but couples should prioritize each other and make time for regular date nights. Too often, people in dating don't date with the intent to marry, and when they do want to marry, they don't ask the tough questions before getting married.
The keys are clear: date with purpose, ask the hard questions, prioritize virtue and character over superficial qualities, embrace traditional roles, and build a foundation of mutual respect, self-control, and shared values before making a lifelong commitment.
